Many people would say that the end of the world is near. There are too many abominations, too many sins, for our world to survive much longer. Christians like to quote the book of Revelation to support this. But as someone who is constantly questioning the meaning of her existence, I think that our world is slowly making baby steps toward having the Promised Land right here on Earth. The oppressions that have existed for decades or even centuries feel like they are slowly being lifted.
For much of my life, I have felt like an outcast. There were times in my life when I was bullied by classmates for not being like them. The effect that had on my self-esteem has been incredibly difficult to overcome. In fact, it's something I still grapple with. I realize that the oppression I feel because of merely being different does not even come close to what gays or non-whites feel on a daily basis. Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking about this. I have spent much effort for most of my life concealing part of who I am to avoid judgment. It's tiring, constantly guarding what you say or do in front of certain people, all because you're afraid of what they might think. How much harder can someone make your life than you already are yourself just by being secretive? And how much affect do you have on the every day lives of other people that it necessitates your being so concerned about their opinions?
People's true colors come to light when scandal arises. The recent hoopla around Chick-fil-A has proven that. On Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, my Facebook news feed blew up with posts about people being so proud to support Chick-fil-A, or about how they would never eat there again because of the company's blatant anti-gay stance. Since when does the food we put in our bellies show our allegiance to political or social causes?
If you ever read my blog, you may or may not know anything about me. Even though this blog is about my feelings, I am not always totally open. In fact, I have realized recently that there are only two people in this world that I feel TRULY know me, 100%, and this makes me really sad. What is so bad about myself that I am afraid to be fully me? And if I feel this bottled up, how does someone gay and closeted even make it through the day?
Let me be blunt then. Here are some things about me: I curse like a sailor. I drink alcohol often. I've had the dreaded pre-marital sex. I support gay rights. I believe that abortion should be a woman's choice. I believe that people's religious beliefs and sexual orientation are not anybody's else's business. I believe that churches should not interfere with federal or state laws. I believe that marijuana should be legalized. I believe that it's acceptable to live with someone without being married. I am afraid of dying. I hate going to church because I feel like the people there are trying to suffocate me. I think that people who interpret the Bible literally are idiots. I will never be happy because my life will never be good enough for me. I thank God every day that I left my hometown, because as unhappy as I can still be living where I am now, if I had stayed I wouldn't have survived. I'm still not sure if I believe in God. The times I feel most alive are when I'm driving in my car singing at the top of my lungs. I hate being around my extended family, because none of them know anything about me, and they would hate me if they did. My mother buys me Christian literature that I never even open. I want to be famous because I want people to remember me; I don't want to be one of those people that fades out of existence. I hate when people ask me if I've "met any nice boys" or if I "have a sweetheart"; I'm in my late twenties and this isn't 1953, just ask me if I'm fucking anybody. I don't like dogs because they're needy. If the draft is ever reinstated and women are eligible, I will go get pregnant just to dodge the draft. I literally go pscyho when I'm on my period, and I wonder if I'm clinically depressed.
If you want to know anything else, ask. I'm ready to be an open book, and I don't give a shit who reads it.
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