Life and Death

I have begun reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. I'm on the second book, The Vampire Lestat, right now. When I read the introduction, I was like, "Wow. This is going to be DUMB," but once she started talking about Lestat's beginnings, prior to becoming a vampire, it started to get a lot more interesting. This is a long one, but I'm anxious to get through it. True Blood has really gotten me interested in vampire lore, which is heightened by the fact that I've always been intrigued by the idea of immortality.

I've been afraid of death for as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping, which is probably what led to my night owl-ish nature as an adult. Anyway, I had trouble sleeping because my mind tends to wander at night. I would often have thoughts of death right before bed, which led to the worst thoughts of all: what if I went to sleep and never woke up? So I would fight going to sleep, and often end up going back to watch TV with my mother, near tears because I was so terrified of the morning that might not come. Going to Southern Baptist churches all my life that talked about Heaven vs. Hell never really helped my problem either. It only made me not want to go to church. The ideas of going to Heaven and rejoicing with God for all eternity is something that may be soothing for some people, but not for me. Even scarier than not knowing what happens after death is the idea that, once we die, we live FOREVER in Heaven.

There is nothing that we know in life that doesn't end. You may work forty years at the same job, but eventually you retire or die. You don't continue working there. Video games that seem to take forever to beat all have an ending point. It may be difficult to reach, but there is always that "finish line". Every relationship ends, even if it takes the death of one person to put an end to it, and every major disease either ends up with the person being completely cured or the person dying, both things of which are endings. So, just as scary as dying and having 70-some odd years of your life vanish into oblivion, the idea of living in Heaven without end frightens me like you would not believe.

This is why supernatural characters, first witches and now vampires, have always intrigued me. Living forever in Heaven, which no one knows for sure actually exists, is one thing, but living forever on Earth is something I could go with. After all, the Earth has been in existence, which has been scientifically proven, for billions of years. Who are we to say whether it won't exist for billions more? And I know how things work here. I know that without fail when I get out of bed in the morning, my feet will touch the ground. I know that each night is followed by a morning and the seasons always occur (although this one could be questionable because of global warming) in the same order. I know that 1 + 1 is always 2 and I know that if I am hungry, food will nourish me.

Fear of death and the unknown is something that some people do not possess, but I've never been able to have blind faith in anything. If that means my fear will continue, then I'll learn to deal with it. As long as I'm still here tomorrow, that's all that matters.

I remember.

You can call what is about to occur a pity party if you wish. In a way, I suppose it is. I just feel that when a person experiences a great loss in their life, that person is entitled to feel an enduring affection for that person that has passed on. What bothers me is when other people also uphold memories of that departed loved one without having had the same connection to them. I suppose I should clarify.

For anyone who doesn't already know this about me, my (favorite) uncle Ace died in a car accident when I was nine years old. He had been married for some time, I don't remember how long, but was divorced at the time of his death. His ex-wife's sister had a young daughter. She was maybe four whenever Ace died. As I said, he and his ex-wife were divorced. This ex-niece of his, fourteen years later, still talks about him and holds "memories" of him. Her MySpace profile talks of how her uncle Ace is her hero and she misses him every day. She also says her favorite number is five, which was the number he wore in baseball/softball.

There is no possible way that she remembers him. She was four years old and didn't see him that often because she didn't even live in Campbellsville at the time. She wasn't the one who listened to Motley Crue and headbanged with him. She wasn't the one who had a sleepover at his house, watched Iron Will and played Super Mario Brothers 3 on his big screen TV. He didn't buy her Puppy Surprise and a Lion King sleeping bag for Christmas. He didn't take her to the Louisville Speedway to see the "40 foot elves" advertised on the radio, only to find out there were ten 4-foot elves.

I am angry that she still claims to feel his presence in her life and miss him so dearly. If he were alive, they wouldn't even have anything to do with each other. She has no idea what it feels like to truly lose someone who was both like a friend and an older brother.