I'd like to thank the Academy.

You are not going to believe this, but I did not watch the Golden Globes this year.

I used to follow the Hollywood awards season like nobody's business. I would watch the E! pre-shows all day leading up to the awards ceremonies. The Golden Globes and Oscars especially, but often the Emmys and Grammys as well. (Never got into the Tonys, as I was not very familiar with current Broadway plays, and still don't stay terribly well-informed.) But being without cable has really messed with my awards traditions. In fact, I was unsure of how I was going to watch the Globes anyway, but I forgot about them until about an hour in and by that point it seemed irrelevant. I mean, the whole reason for watching is to see the gowns, right?

Being as how at this point in my life I have basically given up on any dreams I ever had of being famous/semi-famous, I suppose now is as good a time as any to compose my useless Academy Award acceptance speech.

"Wow. I know people say all the time that they have dreamt of this moment since they were a kid, but I really have. I really have, I swear. Ask my mom and she'll tell you. I'll give you her phone number after the show. You can find me in the bathroom. I'm talking to you, Clooney.

Wow, okay, focus. I have to thank my family, especially my parents, who have done a lot to help me out over the years. I have to credit the love of my life, Bette Midler, who has made me want to be a better, more talented person. Thanks to my co-stars, director, and all the writers involved with *insert project name here*. Thanks to the Academy. Most importantly, I have to thank myself, without whom none of this would be possible. I have been my rock and my inspiration for so many years. Thanks, me! Oh, and thanks to Streep for not being nominated this year! Goodnight!"