Scared

Have you ever had a crippling fear? Something that terrified you to your very core, and whenever you thought about it, you actually felt physically ill? I try not to be scared of too many things. A woman has to be tough in this society. Sure, I'm afraid of things not happening for me in life. Everybody fears that. But the one thing that is my Achille's Heel is death.

Part of it is because I'm not certain there is a heaven. I've had too many unanswered prayers to trust fully in a higher power. What if life on earth is it, and after we die our souls cease to exist? That's scary enough for me (I'm shaking as I write this), but what if there really is eternity? The idea of forever scares me too. A ceaseless existence? I don't know what to feel or believe, and the fact that I don't know yet scares me too.

Sometimes I'm able to push my fears back, and sometimes they don't even come to mind at all, but when they do, I literally feel like I can't function. I know this is not normal. Will I someday come to terms with dying, or will I, in my final moments, say what Joan Crawford said as her housekeeper prayed over her: "Don't you dare ask Him for help!"

Heard this song last night and felt a little more at ease.

"Melancholy Child"
Pam Tillis
A baby with a baby
Just barely seventeen
My mother mourned her innocence
While she bounced me on her knee

A daddy on the road
Added to her tears and trials
Like silver rain they fell upon
This melancholy child

The sounds of my childhood
Still linger in my song
My mother's lullaby
That train that ran behind our home

A whippoorwill on a window sill
It should have made me smile
But everything sounds lonesome
To a melancholy child

Now a restless blood
Runs in our family
Thought I could outrun
The emptiness inside of me

So I went a little crazy
I went a little wild
Trying to outdistance
My own melancholy child

I met a kind and gentle man
Who thinks the world of me
And when he looks my way
It is a woman that he sees

But when I can't explain to him
The tears that fill my eyes
He takes me in his arms
And rocks his melancholy child

You take a black Irish temper
And some solemn Cherokee
A Southern sense of humor
And you got someone like me

But there are thorns on every rose
To this I'm reconciled
They're just a little sharper
To a melancholy child

And in my own babe's eyes
I see the signs of a melancholy child
Heaven help us all
Another melancholy child

Pinterest Foodie Project: Valentine's Day

Having had the day before Valentine's Day off from work, I decided to spend the day doing a little cooking. I had found a recipe for preparing chicken for chicken tacos and decided to try it out. It involved my crockpot, which was why I waited until my day off (I'm still not comfy with leaving a crockpot on for almost nine hours while I'm at work). I chose to cook the chicken for enchiladas instead of tacos, since tacos would have involved having to buy veggies and I was a little low on money (surprise, surprise). I only used three chicken breasts, so I halved the other ingredients as well. I cooked the chicken on high for about two hours and then low for another two and a half. With about an hour left in cooking time, I added a little enchilada sauce to the chicken. Once the chicken was ready, I basically just used the recipe on the can of enchilada sauce to prep my enchiladas.

The enchiladas were definitely a hearty dish, but came out a little spicier than I expected considering I just used a medium sauce. Also, I chose a red sauce instead of green, as you can likely tell from the above photo.

In celebration of Valentine's Day, I thought dessert was fitting. Naturally, Pinterest had many Valentine's themed desserts. I opted for something I already had ingredients for: brownies! A lot of the recipes I found contained actual chocolate, but I wanted to utilize the cocoa powder I already had. I did have a few chocolate chips leftover from other baking projects, so while the chocolate in the brownies was mostly from the cocoa powder, I did throw the chocolate chips in for extra measure. I also wanted to make the brownies look more...Valentiney, so I made a mixture of powdered sugar, milk, and red food coloring and drizzled it atop the brownies after they came out of the oven. You can find the brownie recipe I used here.

I did have to cook the brownies a little longer than the recipe called for, but that was because I used a smaller dish. (My 9x13 was being used for the enchiladas.) I baked both dishes at the same time and they both got done relatively close to one another, so it worked out well. The brownies were delicious, if not as fudgy as the recipe would have hinted, and after I had a couple for myself, I took them to work and shared the rest with my co-workers. Generous? Yes. But I did it mostly because I'm trying to diet and couldn't have a dozen of brownies lying around the house tempting me.

Pinterest Foodie Project: Tuna with a Kick

Taking a cue from a Martha Stewart recipe I found on Pinterest, I recently tried my own version of a spicy tuna melt by mixing a can of tuna in water with a few teaspoons full of medium salsa.

With the tuna on a piece of wheat bread, I drizzled a generous amount of monterey jack cheese on the top and toasted it in the oven until the cheese had browned. Trying to stay low-cal, I ate my melt with a single dill spear. Delicious!

Pinterest Project: Healthy Pizza

Lately I feel like I've been spending more and more time experimenting with recipes from Pinterest. Over the last several weeks, I have really hit the "get healthy" thing hard. I've had fried food once in the past three weeks, and I've tried to cut down on "treats". In addition to working out, of course. A couple nights ago, I had some chicken tenders defrosting in the refrigerator and couldn't think of anything to do with them. I was searching for things to do with BBQ chicken, as that is a sauce I always have on hand, and found several things including cauliflower. This reminded me of the concept of the cauliflower crust pizza that I had seen recipes for before but never tried. I got it in my head that minute that that is what I would make for dinner. I found this recipe for the crust, and decided on pineapple as additional topping (gotta hit that food pyramid). The only problem: I had no cauliflower. So after I got off work, I headed to Kroger, and went ahead and completed my bi-weekly shopping so I wouldn't have to go back again after payday.

Cut to an hour later, and I'm finally at home with my supplies. I first put my chicken in the oven, slathered in barbecue sauce, so that I could be working on my crust while that was cooking. Let me just warn you if you have never grated cauliflower before: it takes FOREVER. I never use a grater. I never had the reason to own one either, since it's really just recently that I've really gotten into cooking. So, stupid me, I start grating by moving the florets from side to side across the grater. I felt like I was getting nowhere. I mean, I was still going when my chicken was done baking. Then I realized it was more efficient to move the florets up and down, and the grating went much quicker at that point. I only had to have one cup of cauliflower, but it took me about 30 minutes and I had very few florets left at the end. (The recipe I had stated one head of cauliflower should be enough for 3 cups. This is a lie!)

Then it was time to mix the ingredients.

I did not have garlic salt, so I left this out, and I also did not brush the crust with olive oil prior to baking, mostly because I was afraid of using too much and affecting the texture/taste of the final product.

The crust browned around the edges very quickly, but the center was a little sticky, so I left it in for a while longer. I would say in hindsight that my crust probably could have been a little larger, but I was afraid of having thin spots and my sauce falling through. After I felt the crust was well-cooked, I pulled it out of the oven and put a thin layer of barbecue sauce over the crust. I covered the crust with pieces of chicken that I had sort of tried to shred with two forks while my crust was baking. The chicken didn't shred so much as just tear into pieces, but what the hell? As long as the pieces were placed in such a way that I could still cut into the crust, I wasn't worried about it. Then I threw on a little pineapple and topped it off with shredded monterey jack cheese.

The end product was fairly good. I was pleased with my topping combos, although it could have stood to have a little more cheese. The only bad thing was that the whole pizza ended up just being four small slices, three of which I ate right then. (It was an hour and a half past my normal meal time. I was kind of hungry.) The crust tasted mostly like egg, and while I didn't mind it, it was definitely a weird thing to have on the bottom of the pizza when I'm used to having bread products there. I don't regret trying it though, and it is probably something I would make again. But now I know a little better, and hopefully the end result would turn out more appetizing. Maybe I could use a little less egg in the crust and a little more cauliflower? Who knows? It's worth a shot, and I'd definitely recommend the recipe to anyone looking to try a low carb diet.

Reunion Conundrum

Three months ago, the notion of going to my upcoming high school reunion (date TBD) was something that thrilled me to no end. I imagined attending in some curve-hugging, cleavage-bearing dress, and all the guys that never noticed me in high school would notice me now. I'd be charming and hilarious and everyone would think it was wonderful that I got out of town and am so "successful". Last night, the reality of the possibility of a reunion actually came to fruition. I had been added to a Facebook group devoted to planning and discussing the event. As soon as I started reading the posts alluding to our glorious high school days, I was suddenly filled with a bitterness I thought that I had finally come to terms with. But, evidently, being a nobody in high school is something you never really get over. Or, not within ten years of graduation, anyway.

I always thought I was going to end up being better than everyone I graduated with. I had big dreams. But the truth of the matter is, I am the one that's jealous of their paltry accomplishments - the routine things like marriage and children. I am the only one holding myself up to any sort of standard. None of those people care what I have or have not accomplished in my life, and I have to stop kidding myself that they do. I think the reason I have such trouble with it is that, not only do all these people from my past not care what I have done (how I've grown as a person, how I've completely financially supported myself since I was 19, how I am excelling in a field totally unrelated to any of my studies), there is no one in my present to care about these things either. Everything that I do is only for me, yet I still hold myself to some ridiculous standard that has no relevance to anyone but myself.

So now I have a dilemma. Should I attend this reunion, and let all the people that ignored me in high school pretend they have any sort of memories of me, or should I just not go and forget any revenge fantasies that I had?

Post-Christmas Gay Man's Double Feature

Long time no see, Internets. How's it going? Oh, me? I'm doing okay. Obviously I have not stuck to writing as a creative outlet to make me forget about my miserable existence and general aimlessness. I know I said I was going to write more, but when I have a couch and episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia calling my name, I tend to not be so productive any more.

I am on here to write today though, and to write about something I truly truly care about - Bette Midler. That's right, folks! It's movie review time!

I have known about Bette Midler's newest film Parental Guidance since it was in pre-production, so I have been anxiously waiting to see her onscreen again for quite some time. More than a year, as a matter of fact. My original plan, after finding out about Barbra Streisand's new one, The Guilt Trip, was to do a double feature on Christmas Day. My family from Texas decided to come in for the holidays, so that changed my plans a little bit. Yesterday, though, is going on the books as one of the greatest days in recent history for me. I did Parental Guidance at 7:35 and The Guilt Trip at 9:35, giving me just enough time to make a bathroom stop before the previews for the second film started. I was giddy, trying not to anxiously tap my feet or randomly shout out yips like an excited puppy. Maintaining my cool was difficult. (In fact, this whole year has been spectacular film-wise for me. Shirley MacLaine had Bernie, Meryl Streep had Hope Springs, and Susan Sarandon had a couple of supporting roles. Since all five of these women are my imaginary lovers - Streisand to a lesser degree than the others - I have been pretty stoked about cinema this year.) So, without further ado in regards to my...weirdness...I present you with my opinions on my Most Anticipated Films of 2012.

Billy Crystal is a funny guy that tries really, really hard to be funny. Sometimes too hard. That was obvious in Parental Guidance. Some of his jokes fell flat or felt awkwardly placed (no one always has a witty retort to lighten the mood during emotional times), and as someone who has tried for years to escape their family's obsession with baseball, the fact that Crystal's character was so wrapped up in the game sort of put me off. Marisa Tomei was great as the neurotic mom, and there was a really funny role-playing thing between her and Tom Everett Scott that contained just the right amount of weird to work. Bailee Madison is a pretty fantastic little actress and Kyle Breitkopf was utterly charming, even at his brattiest. Joshua Rush, as the middle grandchild, was all kinds of adorable, even with his obviously fake stuttering. Bette was severely underused. It was obvious her character was the knockabout, the one always either striving to please her daughter or struggling to get her husband to notice her. Other than the mention of her having been a weather girl when she was younger, you don't really learn much about her character. She had one scene where she cried (like you could keep me from crying while I'm watching her well up) and another where she sang (again, giddy here), and I thought she looked just great. I really enjoyed the movie and could have easily watched it twice back to back. My only complaints were really about the lack of good lines for Bette and the fact that the movie felt a little rushed. There was little room for character development, and too much focus on Crystal as the reluctant grandfather instead of focus on the grandmother who really wanted desperately to be more involved in her grandchildren's lives. But the movie had just the right amount of schmaltz to work for me, and I would definitely recommend it as a rainy day flick.

I could tell from the previews I was going to enjoy The Guilt Trip. I love Seth Rogen and everything that he does due to my crush on his 'fro. Right from the start, the movie had me laughing. The dialogue was genuinely funny, not just chuckle-worthy, and Rogen's character is so awkward that you can't help but grin as he fumbles to look like a respectable businessman. Streisand looks phenomenal, with just the right amount of frump thrown in to make you forget you're watching perfectionist and world-renowned singer and class act Barbra Streisand. Obviously, most of the film is devoted to mother-son bonding due to the road trip theme, but there is also a little time to show off Rogen's character as this brilliant scientist/inventor and develop a love interest storyline for Streisand. There is also one incredibly well-done scene where mother and son butt heads due to being completely fed up with one another. (The film's one use of the f-word gets to be utilized by Streisand, and it was AWESOME.) There's a sweet little twist near the end, and the movie leaves you feeling like both characters (fully developed, flawed characters) have grown due to their excursion. Personally, I could not get over how flawless Streisand looked. Her hips have widened and she's added a little weight with her age, but with her hooked nose and slightly crossed eyes, she is just perfectly imperfect. Her hair is softer around the edges, curving nicely toward her face versus the angular bob that has been her signature look for the past twenty years. Age has treated her very well, and the over-protective Jewish mother thing doesn't seem contrived with her. This movie was worth the 15-year wait since her last major role. Brava.