Reunion Conundrum

Three months ago, the notion of going to my upcoming high school reunion (date TBD) was something that thrilled me to no end. I imagined attending in some curve-hugging, cleavage-bearing dress, and all the guys that never noticed me in high school would notice me now. I'd be charming and hilarious and everyone would think it was wonderful that I got out of town and am so "successful". Last night, the reality of the possibility of a reunion actually came to fruition. I had been added to a Facebook group devoted to planning and discussing the event. As soon as I started reading the posts alluding to our glorious high school days, I was suddenly filled with a bitterness I thought that I had finally come to terms with. But, evidently, being a nobody in high school is something you never really get over. Or, not within ten years of graduation, anyway.

I always thought I was going to end up being better than everyone I graduated with. I had big dreams. But the truth of the matter is, I am the one that's jealous of their paltry accomplishments - the routine things like marriage and children. I am the only one holding myself up to any sort of standard. None of those people care what I have or have not accomplished in my life, and I have to stop kidding myself that they do. I think the reason I have such trouble with it is that, not only do all these people from my past not care what I have done (how I've grown as a person, how I've completely financially supported myself since I was 19, how I am excelling in a field totally unrelated to any of my studies), there is no one in my present to care about these things either. Everything that I do is only for me, yet I still hold myself to some ridiculous standard that has no relevance to anyone but myself.

So now I have a dilemma. Should I attend this reunion, and let all the people that ignored me in high school pretend they have any sort of memories of me, or should I just not go and forget any revenge fantasies that I had?

Wow. I knew it had been a while since I posted, but I didn't realize it had been like six weeks.

I haven't been doing much writing lately, or working out, or experimenting with recipes from Pinterest. I haven't done a lot of anything at all, to be honest. My evenings are mostly spent lying on the couch in front of my TV after work. I had been feeling depressed and fat, and just generally unmotivated. I've also had some money stresses lately, so things have been very dull in my life. But I'm working on it. I've been trying to adjust my attitude at work. There have been a lot of changes that haven't necessarily been great, so I've been coping with that. I traded in my wrecked Corolla for a newer one, only to discover the registration on the original one had been cancelled and I owed $700 in taxes on it as well, since when I financed it back in the spring, the bank failed to tack on any sales tax. I was fit to be tied over that for several weeks, but it's basically all been straightened out at this point and I've managed to move on. I've been trying to get back into a workout routine again over the last two weeks, but with winter approaching, I question whether my motivation will hold up. This is how the slacking off started last winter. I just didn't want to leave my warm apartment to go exercise, so I stored up some fat over the winter and just never really got back into the habit.

The babies are turning one here soon, so I have birthday planning to look forward to, which will naturally be offset by the horror that is Christmas. But it will be fun, with them having their first real Christmas and watching them open gifts.

I want to say I'll try to blog more, but I don't want to do it without anything to say, so I'll save my next entry for something exciting, if anything exciting ever happens to me again.

I go through spells where I just hate getting up and going to work in the mornings. Lately, this spell has been coupled with another: I don't want to be at home.

Maybe it's that spring is in the air and that makes me want to get out and about, but the more likely reason is that I am so sick of trying to amuse myself. I'm probably suffering from depression. I do seem to feel discontent a lot of the time. Is it something wrong with me though, or just wrong with my situation? I lack motivation to do much of anything. I don't feel like working out, I don't feel like going anywhere, I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like laying on the couch either, but that's what I end up doing because there's nothing else I'd rather do either. I don't know what to do. I need some sort of pick-me-up. But where do I find it?

Existential?

Why are there so many rules?

Why is there a certain order of things you're supposed to accomplish in your life? And why do people think you're a failure if you never cross one of those threshholds? We used to be just a bunch of cavemen running around. There were no gun laws that didn't get followed, no standards and practices, no credit score determining your value. We bought and traded with tools and food and other goods. Can't we just all loosen up? I'm not saying I want to go back to that. I'm not about to try and start eating raw meat and killing my own food. I just wish there weren't so many expectations. Must I go live on some hippie commune to get a break? *sigh*

pity party

Update from previous post:

At the time, I recognized the opportunity I got by being able to make physical contact with Stevie Nicks. However, two days after the concert, it hit me that I actually got to touch Stevie Nicks, one of my two favorite people on the face of the earth and someone that I idolize. I can tell that story for years to come when I play Fleetwood Mac's music for my children.

Oh, and I left "Landslide" off the setlist. Um, duh.

And on to the new!

I have realized that I am not the kind of person who has very much self control. I impulse buy frequently, I spend money on things like trips and concert tickets before I really have said money, and I also have a small problem of not being able to stop drinking once I get started.

Don't get me wrong; sometimes I can. But when I'm really stressed out and people are passing around alcohol and I'm not paying for it, I forget how much I've had and get a little carried away. I don't just like alcohol because I can "forget my troubles" while drinking it. I also enjoy the non-mental relaxation that comes with drinking. I carry my stress very heavily in my body, and I feel myself loosen up physically when I've had a little alcohol, and it's a feeling I don't want to go away. I also have the problem of trying to keep up with those I'm drinking with. 90% of the time this includes men, or women that weigh more than I do. They keep drinking, so I keep drinking. Fortunately I've been very lucky and end up very close to home or with a place to crash when this happens.

The only reason I bring this up is because of the fact that I recently took some of my anguish out on my sister while I was drinking. I complained about no one really caring about me, because that's how I often feel. I know I have people that care about me, but I am not the most important person in anyone's life and that sometimes gets me a little depressed. Plus, and I'm just gonna say this right now and be completely honest with, well, whoever's there: I am jealous of my sister.

My sister has always done things at an earlier age than me. I may have done things first, but she was younger than I was when she experienced these firsts. She went to her first concert before I ever went to one (something I am responsible for, seeing as we needed three tickets to said concert and by the time we purchased, only two could be bought together, and it was a group she liked way more than I did). She dated before me, had sex at a younger age than me. She even had a later curfew than I did. When I was 18 and out of high school, still living at home, my curfew was 11:00. Before she graduated high school and while she was dating, hers was 11:30. Now she's going to become a mother before me. I hate that I have spent so much time and money trying to get my life in order, only for her to have all of the things I want long before I will ever have them. It's frustrating and makes me feel like I've done nothing. I'm 26 years old and have nothing to show for it, except a bunch of freaking debt.

Oh baby!

For anyone who reads this blog and actually knows me, this is probably news you've already heard. For anyone else, well, if you care, here goes.

My younger sister is 10 weeks pregnant with twins. Obviously, as her older sister I am concerned about her. I worry about her health and comfort level, and the health of the babies. She's not unhealthy, but she's a really picky eater, and I want to be sure the babies are getting all the nutrients they need. I got her some prenatal vitamins with DHA, so hopefully that's going to be a good enough start.

My initial thoughts about the situation were purely stressful. My sister and her husband are not in the best financial situation. Of course, my mother will be able to provide free childcare so that is a major load off their shoulders, but they'll have to move into a bigger apartment and my brother-in-law will have to get a better job. I feel partially responsible for my family. Yes, I moved away, and that separates me from them somewhat. But at the same time, if they ever needed anything, I would feel like it was up to me to help them out. I'm not rolling in money myself, but I get by, and if money got really tight I could get a second job, move into a smaller apartment, or get a piece of junk car instead of the nice one (well, it started out nice) that I have now. I'm comfortable enough, and I don't need financial assistance. Babies are a major expense, and the fact that they have the equivalent of one decent-paying full-time job between the two of them worries me.

Before I had time to truly get over my initial worry, we found out there are two babies instead of one. This means he has to get another job and they have to move into a bigger apartment. No question. I just hope he will step up soon. These babies are going to be well taken care of and incredibly loved, and as worried as I was at first, I am now as excited. I have been fighting my own biological clock for a little while now. I am neither in a financial situation nor in a relationship conducive to child-rearing, but I want children very badly. The fact that I'm going to be able to be around my sister's children so much is going to help me sate my own maternal desires.

I have this major problem about worrying about things that are beyond my control. I need to just relax and let them do what they are going to do, but there are children involved now, and I want them to have the best life possible. I just have to hope everything works out, and I will help as much as I can or as much as I am needed to. Mostly I'm just excited about being an aunt and watching these children grow. I have to focus on that.

Don Jacobs Paint and Body sucks.

Remember all of my car drama in December and January? Yeah, well, I have something to add to it now.

After all that mess where it took so long to get my car back from the body shop and they gave me a coupon for free detailing, I finally took it up there to take advantage of the offer. I got up at 6 this morning and dropped the car off at 7:30. I was in the parking lot before they unlocked the doors. Issue was, I had to be at work at 7:30. So, I had to wait there in the lobby for their shuttle service because, well, I have no one that I can ask to come give me a ride at 7:30 in the morning. I waited there until 10 after 8 and had to ride in a van with six strangers, three of whom got dropped off before me. I didn't get to work until almost nine. I went to pick up my car at 3:00. It was nice and shiny on the outside and I could tell it had been washed and the tires cleaned, but once I got inside I was unsure the job had been done properly. After I got back to work, having checked a few things by glancing while sitting at stoplights, I ensured that, not only had the job not been done properly, it had not been done at all. How could I tell? Well, there was a soda stain in my cupholder, hair on the seats (both cat and mine), and a French fry under the passenger seat. Guess what? Those things were all still there.

Here is the e-mail complaint that I wrote to the dealership:

I had my vehicle repaired at your paint and body shop in December/January. When I picked up my vehicle, I was very displeased with the appearance of the interior. There was paint dust inside and it was clear it had not been cleaned as well as it should have been considering the extensive amount of damage that had been done to my car. My estimator, Tim, gave me a coupon for free detailing for me to use at a later date. I took my car in for this today. When I picked the car up, the outside was nice and clean and my wheels were shiny, but I didn't think the interior had been cleaned as well as it should have been. Sure enough, when I got to my destination I discovered the French fry that had been dropped under my passenger seat was still there.

Seeing as how I paid nothing for either my body work or the detailing, I don't suppose I have any right to complain, but my vehicle initially was in your dealership's posession for five weeks and now you have had it an additional six hours for the detailing. I find the cleanliness of my car to be appalling considering the time wasted at your dealership. I just wanted my complaint to be heard so that you can correct this for future business: future business that absolutely will not be provided by me, as I will never visit your dealership in any capacity again.

So, for anyone who gives a rat's ass, in support of me and my frustration, do not ever visit Don Jacobs Paint and Body in Lexington, KY. Thank you.

The Untalented Miss Riggs

I am good at nothing. This is something that I am finally coming to terms with. All my life, I've always thought I was special. I partially blame my parents for that. But due to thinking I was special, I always thought that eventually, I would be able to do something great with my life.

The very first thing I truly thought I could be good at was acting. I've always been a little overdramatic, and that's part of it, but I am ruled totally by emotion. Isn't that what acting is all about? Tapping into your emotions to portray a character? Why couldn't I do that? I've been practicing my whole life. I create monologues about characters that aren't entirely unlike myself, and I'm always able to evoke tears when the time calls for them. Of course I can act! But that dream died when no one supported it.

Then I tried to convince myself that I was a great singer. My experiences haven't totally gone against this theory either. I was the section leader my last two years of choir in high school, and I had multiple solos and feature parts throughout the years. But I have never heard anyone tell me my voice has brought them to tears, or even evoked emotions from them. I've been complimented on my voice, but to be a great singer, one has to make others feel the lyrics. I don't suppose I can do this. So this dream sort of faded away.

One thing I do know without a doubt that I'm good at is putting others before myself. I have let people mock me and belittle me and not fought back because I didn't want people to get upset with me. I am a good friend. I put others desires before my own, and I don't ask for anything in return except the attention that it requires to even allow me to be in those peoples' presence. I want to take care of people, and I want to please them. But the problem is that this one aspect of my life that I actually show strength in is my greatest weakness. In my last blog, I spoke about the hatred that I had been feeling in the weeks prior. I think that a lot of the reason I was so angry was because I got tired of the way people were making me feel so inconsequential, but in reality I set myself up for that in the first place. How should I expect others to respect me or care about me if I can't even give myself the same courtesy?

But old habits die hard, and it's going to be really difficult for me to change behaviors that I've been carrying on for a dozen years or more. Being more outspoken and telling people what I want from them is one of the things I've been trying recently, but I have a bad feeling that prior events have pushed some people that I care about out of my life completely. I do believe that there are people that care about me, but most don't care about me enough to do the kind of work that will keep me close. I enjoy having lots of friends, but I've always been the kind of person that would rather have a few really close friends than a lot of casual acquaintances.

So, in conclusion, I guess what I'm saying is the only thing I'm good at is being a doormat.

The last few weeks of my life, I have basically hated myself. I've hated my job, the person I've become, the excuses I make for not changing things in my life. If it's there, I've hated it. I have always had vague goals that I was working toward to improve myself. But apparently somewhere along the way, I either got derailed from these goals, or they changed so drastically that they got lost in everything else that was going on inside of me. There's still part of me that thinks I maybe need to be on medication. I have this really bad habit of getting mad about something, letting it fester inside of me while I pretend I'm not mad, then I get so furious that I explode. Sometimes I explode on other people. When I was growing up, this tended to be my sister. I don't ever mean to hurt people, but when this rage finally ends up bursting out of me, someone in its path always gets battle wounds. This weekend I blew up, and not in a private way. I blew up in front of a bunch of people at a really inopportune time. The worst part: I was drunk and don't remember exactly what I blew up about. Fortunately, today I have felt less stress and anger than I have in a really long time, so I guess it was good that I got to purge. It just sucks the way that it happened. I apologized to people who fell in the path of my rage. That's all I can do, because I cannot take it back. But honestly, right now all I want to do is run away from anything and anybody in my life and completely start all over, and in some place completely and utterly random, like Idaho. I can't correct mistakes I've made, and people may not be able to forget them, but if I were to have a clean slate, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was such a demented piece of garbage.

Relax, go to it.

I will never live a stress-free life.

I can't. My mind won't let me. If I'm not stressed about money, I'm stressed about my health (needlessly, mind you). If it's not that, it's my relationship status (or lack thereof). I just can't win, and I don't understand it. Am I afraid of being happy? Am I preventing myself from relaxing, or has my life up to now conditioned me to believe that a new stressful situation is just around the corner, so I don't relax out of routine? I'm not saying I never relax at all. There are fleeting moments, where all of the stars align and the feng shui is just so, and I can have a few hours of sheer bliss. But then the worry of another day at work, or another day of tightening the pursestrings in order to eat, comes along, and I'm back to square one. Vacation is incredibly helpful in all this. Any time I'm away from home/work/family, I can totally chill out. I don't think about what has to be done when I get home, or worry about what's coming out of my next paycheck. Any time I'm away from Kentucky, I feel totally uninhibited.

It's kind of funny, though. Right now I'm in the middle of planning three trips over the course of the next three months. One hotel stay is paid for, but the rest of my expenses have yet to be covered, and I am totally freaking out over it. Usually I just charge it and worry about it later, but my credit cards are all maxed out. (Thanks, new bite guard. Thanks, new eyeglasses.) I could nix a trip, but I have been looking so forward to them all, and there's one I absolutely can't get out of. I'm stressing about planning something that is going to allow me to destress. Ironic.

Thankfully I have this new Stevie Nicks album to help me through. Otherwise I'd be a total nutcase right now.

I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate money.

I had this big idea that I was going to pay off my credit card in three years.

It would be nice if I could actually live on a completely restricted budget, but there are always issues that arise. For example, having to travel for family-related things that you didn't plan for, therefore spending more gas money. Having to buy a new bite guard to prevent myself from grinding my teeth to pieces in my sleep. Having to buy new glasses. It's always something. This past week has definitely been something for me. In the past year, not only have I not made a dent in my $3600 of existing credit card debt, but I have built up $600 more. ($330 of this since last Thursday.) I could always get a second job again, which never actually allows me to get ahead financially and makes me tired as fuck to boot. I could take on a roommate, which would definitely save me a couple hundred a month in living expenses (if not more).

But what do I have to sacrifice in order to get out of debt? Granted, I've known of people who had tens of thousands in credit card debt, so I don't suppose I have all that much to worry about right now. I can afford my monthly credit card payment, so at least I'm not paying late fees and overages and having things charged off on my credit report. I just sometimes feel that I'm under unnecessary pressure. I'm only 25 years old, and I have a car payment and student loans to worry about. I'd have to be making twice what I do in order to feel like I'm making a dent in my debt. But why am I in such a hurry to get it all paid off? I'm not behind on things. I'm not going to get evicted; my car's not going to get repossessed. Why can't I just chill out? Why do we all feel such pressure to keep up with the Joneses?

It's America, man. What the hell is our problem?

Dear Guy that wasn't paying attention and ran a stoplight, hitting my car on December 19, 2010:

Thank you so much for your inattention to traffic signals, as I am still reeling from the effects of your actions. You caused me to be without my car for five straight weeks, during which I had to pay for a rental car because your insurance policy didn't fully cover that. Then, after driving my car for a week, I had to be without it again in order to have another issue fixed that was caused by the impact of your vehicle against mine. By the time I get it back, I will have been without my car for another week. I have suffered incalculable amounts of stress due to this accident, not to mention financial strain. I have, since December 19, had to make two payments on my automobile. Nearly $700 paid toward a vehicle that I have been able to drive for one week out of the past seven.

I have suffered stress not only because of the absence of my vehicle during this time, but also due to the lack of good service that I have received from the repair facility, including but not limited to the fact that my car was returned to me in far less than the immaculate condition in which I have always kept it. But, I do suppose I am partially to blame for this problem, since I was the one that chose the repair facility in the first place.

I am sure, good sir, that your vehicle was totalled and your issues were resolved quickly and efficiently. Since you are a male, I have no doubt that the insurance and body shop gods have smiled upon you in recent weeks and gotten things done in a timely manner in order to appease you. I wish I were able to receive the same courtesies in life. However, since I was not born with a penis, people tend to think they can walk all over me, since I clearly don't possess enough testosterone (aka "intelligence") to have any idea what I'm talking about in any situation.

I hope the holiday season treated you well, and I hope you are enjoying whatever vehicle you are driving at this time. I hope your mother (aka the insurance policy holder) did give you a good scolding for the deductible she more than likely had to pay due to your transgression. Good luck in the future, and thank you again for fucking up my life so supremely.

Yours truly,
Claimant

woes

I finally got my car back on Monday of last week. You'd think that would be the end of the saga, right? No. Wrong.

When I picked my car up from the body shop, five weeks exactly from the day the vehicle was delivered there, it was filthy. Granted, I don't know much about the policies of auto body shops, but you'd think that if you had to remove and replace an entire door on a vehicle, plus paint it, that you'd clean it up a little bit. Fortunately the fabric on the interior was okay for the most part, but every non-fabric surface inside my car had to be wiped down. There was dust from the air bags, and paint dust, all over. I was furious. I have always kept my car impeccably clean, and the fact that they had inconvenienced me even further...I cannot explain to you the anger that I felt. Plus my seatbelt wouldn't retract, so that was just an added bonus. I had to leave work to pick up my car in the first place, but I couldn't stand the dirtiness so I went to Walmart and bought some Armor All and cleaning rags, and I cleaned the car out. I cleaned so much grime off of the interior, plus the whole seatbelt thing that was going on, that I decided to go back to the body shop and complain. I had them fix the seatbelt first, which took all of five minutes, and then brought the claims guy over to my car with me to show him the rag that I had used to clean the car. I told him how upset I was, and he took the rag to his supervisor to show him. They gave me a coupon for free detailing. I wasn't really happy with that. (They didn't detail the car in the first place, so why would I just assume they would do it, and do it well, if I took it back up there?) But I didn't pay a dime for any of the repairs done, so there was really nothing else they could have done to appease me. Fine, whatever, I thanked the guy and tried to shrug the experience off. After I returned to work (two hours later) and complained to anyone who would listen, that is.

So, then, Friday I took the car to the dealership for its 15000 mile check-up. When I had picked up the car from the body shop on Monday, the fuel gauge showed a full tank. I knew I didn't have a full tank when I wrecked, so I just assumed they filled it and didn't think twice about. Didn't think about it on Friday either. Then on Saturday I drove to Lawrenceburg to visit a couple of the bourbon distilleries. On my way back into Lexington, I realized my gauge was still on full, which was impossible. I hadn't driven all that far between Monday and Friday, but all the way to Lawrenceburg? There was no way it was still full. When I went out for coffee Saturday night I thought I should fill up. Maybe the gauge would reset? Anyway, it cost me $41.26 to fill up my car, and my fuel tank capacity is 13.2 gallons. I put over 13 in the car. I got so lucky that I didn't run out of gas.

This morning I dropped off my car at the body shop so they could have they fuel gauge checked out. That was about a quarter after 9. Six hours later, and I've heard nothing. But I don't suppose I should be surprised. I'm in another rental car, but at least this time I don't have to pay for it. *sigh*

Update

Well, guess what? Still waiting to get my car back. It was supposed to be Friday, then it was supposed to be today, now it will be late tomorrow or early Thursday. I have had it up to my ears with this thing.

In other news, my great uncle passed away last week, so I had to go to Campbellsville and then Elizabethtown for family stuff and the funeral service over the weekend.

I also got an iPhone on Saturday. (Yay.) And, possibly most important of all, a release date for Stevie Nicks' new album was announced. It's available for pre-order, and I got a free download of one of the new songs for pre-ordering. I have listened to it over a dozen times since Thursday, and I even created a ringtone from the song. I am so pumped. In fact, things over the past several days really seemed to be going my way until the news about another delay on my car, so I guess I should just suck it up and stop complaining. But I'm pretty sure the Earth would actually stop revolving if I were to be completely happy for more than a day. Something had to ruin my mood for the good of the rest of the human race. I suppose that's a sacrifice I can make.

Oh! And remember when I got runner-up on the D-Listed CAPTION THIS contest twice in one week some time back? Well, for yesterday's contest I was the mutha effin' winner. See the brilliance here.

Lucky #4?

I was in a car accident on Sunday night. It was about 11:00 and I was leaving my friend Jon-Michael's place. I took a route home I don't normally take, just because I hadn't been that way in a while and I was trying to switch up my routine. I also thought about stopping by the post office to drop something off, but decided against it at the last second and went on going forward where I was instead of turning off. As I approached the intersection of East Maxwell and South MLK downtown, my light was green. There's a slight curve as you approach the intersection, so visibility isn't that great as far as being able to see the traffic soming down Maxwell (which is one-way). Right up on the intersection I could see there was a car coming, and although his light was red he was not slowing down. I sped up a little bit hoping to beat him past the intersection (because I knew braking would have been futile), but he still hit me. The impact was on the rear passenger side door. That tire also blew out, and I spun at least once before coming to a stop between a utility pole and a walk/don't walk sign post. My side airbags also deployed. I am fine, just a little sore, but my car is going to be in the body shop for possibly three weeks. Unfortunately it is not totalled. That actually would have helped me out tremendously financially if it were.

I am relieved that there was no damage to my body in any way and that I didn't slam into that utility pole before stopping. I have become very cynical lately about the existence of God, but there's no denying a higher power when something like that happens to you and you come out unscathed. I've actually been really worried this year about something happening to me. My uncle died at the age of 25 so I just don't want history to repeat with me. It's interesting, though. He died four months after his 25th birthday, and my 25th was...four months ago.

Weekend of Crap

I drove to Campbellsville after work on Saturday. It rained the entire way there. I went to my aunt and uncle's house, where I attended a birthday party for my cousin who turned 14 on Sunday. Free pizza, cake, and frozen yogurt. Yum. During the night, it snowed. I had already been planning to go shopping out of town with my sister that day, and I was determined to do it. My dad was at work and my mother hates driving in the snow, so I offered to drive her to church before I had to go and pick up my sister. There were a couple of spots on the road where I had medium difficulty, but that was it. The main roads were mostly clear, so I decided that shopping was still a-go. Picked up my sister at 11 and had a nice day of shopping in Elizabethtown. I was pissed because I wanted to go by AT&T and upgrade to an iPhone. I'm not due for an upgrade until January 15th, but I've upgraded early before and thought they might let me. The answer was no.

We drove back to Campbellsville, where a short time later I rode to church with my father to attend the Christmas program that my mom had directed, put on by the children's department. Adorableness, bad acting, and mediocre singing ensued. During the time that we were in church, it snowed way more and the roads got worse. Blah. The kids found out school had been canceled and it was joyous for them. We went to the bowling alley, where an after-party was being held. Free food and bowling. Yay.

The trip to the bowling alley was fun because I drove my mom out there and since I'm not used to driving her car, I didn't realize her headlights weren't on, and we had a little tiff while I was trying to figure out how to turn them on. The woman has no idea how to describe location.

We went home and I conceded that, yes, I should probably wait until morning to travel to Lexington. I was going through my wallet and couldn't find my debit card, so I went out to the car to look for it. I couldn't see, so I got my flashlight out of the trunk. The batteries then died. I went back inside, found my debit card in my wallet behind my driver's license. Twenty minutes later I realized that the light was on in my car. I had left it on the night before as well, having to go back out in the rain and turn it off. So, I went back out, turned off the light, then continued to watch Christmas Cupid with my mother. Dumb title, considering the fact that the story was a kind of rip-off of A Christmas Carol and had nothing to do with a Cupid-like entity.

I got up at 8 this morning so I could find out the weather situation, waited until 10:30 to leave, and went in to work an hour late after dropping off my things at home, feeding my cat, and grabbing something to eat.

I officially hate winter, and I'm not too fond of Christmas any more either.

Existence is futile.

I have gone through most of my 25 years under the impression that I am intelligent, talented, and unique. Just recently, however, I have realized that these things are all lies.

I have been struggling for some time with my "purpose". What is it? How do I achieve it? And why in hell can't I figure out what it is? Many people would tell me to turn to God, that He will reveal my purpose to me. While my way of trying to find my purpose may not be any more productive than prayer, it is also not any less productive, and I refuse to leave major life decisions up to some higher entity. While in the long run, yes, these things may be up to a higher power and not myself, I can at least actively work toward decisions on my own, that way I feel like I have some semblance of control over my own existence. I have been unhappy in my life because I believe that I am here for some greater reason, and I can't figure out how it is that I am supposed to make my mark on society and create my legacy. I have received no signs, to the best of my knowledge, and if anything, there are only more and more hurdles being placed in the way of me finding my destiny.

I had been thinking about going back to school to get a second degree. I really want a job in the creative industry, but I realize it is very competitive, and I may not even be good enough at creative things to excel in that anyway. Several years ago, inspired by the music of Fleetwood Mac, I briefly considered going into sound mixing so that I could work with recording studios and artists to create new music, but for some reason I didn't ever pursue that. Now I've been thinking again about going into that field, but no one who has given me any advice on the subject seems to think it's a good idea. All I know is I don't want to sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I want to be remembered, and I'm not going to be remembered for processing loans or anything else about my heretofore meaningless existence. I have no doubt in my mind that I could easily get into another college. But would it be fruitful for me to do so? I'm already in a career that has absolutely nothing to do with my college major, and if not for the fact that I had to have a four-year degree to get this job, I would even say that going to college the first time was a waste of money. So going back? Well, one good thing would be the fact that I'd be able to defer my current student loans while enrolled full-time, but if I'm taking out more student loans that's sort of counterproductive. I'd also have to relocate, which part of me desperately wants, but another part of me doesn't. I'm already incredibly lonely, and if I move somewhere where I don't know anyone, those feelings will surely only compound.

On the other hand, moving away from all that I know and enrolling in school again would allow for a fresh start, and a fresh start could lead to a new perspective. I would certainly welcome that. But then again, it goes back to the question of whether or not this would be a smart move financially. I struggle as it is, but with an uncertain future in a niche job market and additional debt, the freedom of this new life may be overshadowed by further financial struggle.

See, if God really did care what happened to me, this would be the time where he would step in and point me in the right direction. Or am I supposed to set up a sign for myself? For example, if I get a year-end raise, then that is my sign that I am supposed to stay in Lexington, and if I don't it's time to move on. Is this what I am to do? Set up that guideline and let Him decide which way to take things? I guess that's all I can do for now. It's not like I can just up and move anyway. I just pray that I get my sign, whatever it may be, by March, that way I can actually start making solid plans.

Oh, and the reasons why I feel I'm not special, talented, or unique? Because if I were, I wouldn't be just another millworker. I don't have anything that makes me stand out in a crowd of thousands, nor do I have anything to make me special to the masses. I may be loved by a handful of people, but if they outlive me, when they die, so does my memory, and I don't see that as me being special at all.

I hate hate hate money.

Ladies and germs, it's that time of year again. Time for Lora to be stressed out over money! Wheeeeeee! This is when a real-life Karen Walker would come in handy. I could be her little Jackie. And yes, I would perform sexual favors for Karen in exchange for her being my sugar momma.

I decided I needed a new wardrobe, so I've been working on that. Then, I bought Lady Gaga tickets. And I'm going to Chicago this weekend. None of these things can I actually afford. So most of it I'm paying for on credit and paying back. But paying it back is the issue anyway. I doubt I'll get a Christmas bonus because business has not been good for us this year. Starting next month I have to pay $5 extra on rent, plus with the cold weather coming (eventually, I guess) my electric bill will be way higher than it has been. Right now I'm just praying for a raise. I should have nothing to worry about there, but what if they decide not to give raises this year? I'm screwed. Our insurance premiums already went up, and it wasn't that much but I'm making like $3.50 less each month, which doesn't help with my increased rent. I get this way a couple times a year, but to be honest, if I made more money, I would just spend more money.

Ellen

So Ellen DeGeneres had two teenagers on her show today that had posted a YouTube video in hopes of someday being on the show. I didn't watch the clip. Maybe they have some sort of rare super-talent. But I made a YouTube video trying to get Ellen's attention too, and it didn't work. :( This depresses me. Granted, I'm not jailbait and didn't actually have images of myself in the video, but now it makes me feel like they got on her show because their video got a ton of hits, which makes me feel bad because mine didn't. It wasn't for lack of trying! I was all over Facebook advertising said video plus I posted something on Ellen's site about it, and I wrote a blog about it. So they're cute and underage and I'm not so they got to be on her show.

Sorry, I'm just really depressed right now anyway so I'm just overreacting. I want certain things so badly but am too scared to actually try to achieve them, so I guess I have no right to complain anyway. *sigh* Continue to ignore me.

I am like an onion. I have many layers.

I posted a blog entry yesterday which I have since deleted. Here is the issue: I am too worried about what people think of me. I deleted the post because it exposed a very embarassing part of myself and I decided I didn't want that out there for everyone to see.

I have always cared too much about what people thought. Once I started becoming, well, me around the sixth grade, I got ridiculed for things that I liked. In the sixth grade my boyfriend had a poster of Mariah Carey in his locker. I had pictures of Lucille Ball. In the eighth grade I raved about this new Bette Midler CD that had just been released and talked a friend into taking it home and listening to it. She told me it was weird. So, in high school, I started keeping things a little more to myself. I listened to music and read in my room. Bette Midler's version of "I Sold My Soul To Rock 'n' Roll" was my "angry song" and I watched The Golden Girls religiously. But I didn't go out and share these things as much with other people. Granted, my Bette Midler obsession has always been out there, but I didn't talk about guys or the feelings of jealousy I had toward other, more confident girls in my age bracket. I didn't want people to single me out for anything else.

My freshman year of college was really stressful for me. At the time, I thought it was mostly because I was working so much, plus going to school full time, plus a couple of different guy issues I was having at the time, but now I realize that it was all just a release of the past five or six years of my life. I went through several spells where I would get crippling stomach cramps brought on by crippling neck pain that was caused by stress. I was really worried about my health. When I had a spell during a German study group in which my left arm and the left side of my face went numb, I got really nervous and saw a doctor. He told me what I knew all along, that it was stress, but I will never forget how awful I felt during that time frame.

Since then, I have tried to lighten up. I really feel that I am much more free than I was when I started college five years ago, but even now I have times when I get concerned about what others think. I worry that I have been too vulnerable or revealed too much of myself to someone, and sometimes it makes me nauseous. I am not totally honest in my answers to questions because I worry that my feelings will be rejected. Even when I do let loose and say what I'm actually thinking or feeling, my words are often met with negative reactions, like me offending someone or putting my foot in my mouth. Then I go back to clamming up and start the cycle all over again.

I wish that I could live every aspect of my life here, on a page, where everyone could see every ingrown hair, every gross mole, every rough patch of skin, and every yellow toenail. And along with that, I wish that the way people responded meant nothing to me at all. I wish I could worry more about the experience and the lesson than I do about the consequences. But it's just not me. Maybe it will be in ten years, or maybe it won't. Who knows? I am really trying though, and I know that I am getting better...just not as much better as I had hoped.