pity party

Update from previous post:

At the time, I recognized the opportunity I got by being able to make physical contact with Stevie Nicks. However, two days after the concert, it hit me that I actually got to touch Stevie Nicks, one of my two favorite people on the face of the earth and someone that I idolize. I can tell that story for years to come when I play Fleetwood Mac's music for my children.

Oh, and I left "Landslide" off the setlist. Um, duh.

And on to the new!

I have realized that I am not the kind of person who has very much self control. I impulse buy frequently, I spend money on things like trips and concert tickets before I really have said money, and I also have a small problem of not being able to stop drinking once I get started.

Don't get me wrong; sometimes I can. But when I'm really stressed out and people are passing around alcohol and I'm not paying for it, I forget how much I've had and get a little carried away. I don't just like alcohol because I can "forget my troubles" while drinking it. I also enjoy the non-mental relaxation that comes with drinking. I carry my stress very heavily in my body, and I feel myself loosen up physically when I've had a little alcohol, and it's a feeling I don't want to go away. I also have the problem of trying to keep up with those I'm drinking with. 90% of the time this includes men, or women that weigh more than I do. They keep drinking, so I keep drinking. Fortunately I've been very lucky and end up very close to home or with a place to crash when this happens.

The only reason I bring this up is because of the fact that I recently took some of my anguish out on my sister while I was drinking. I complained about no one really caring about me, because that's how I often feel. I know I have people that care about me, but I am not the most important person in anyone's life and that sometimes gets me a little depressed. Plus, and I'm just gonna say this right now and be completely honest with, well, whoever's there: I am jealous of my sister.

My sister has always done things at an earlier age than me. I may have done things first, but she was younger than I was when she experienced these firsts. She went to her first concert before I ever went to one (something I am responsible for, seeing as we needed three tickets to said concert and by the time we purchased, only two could be bought together, and it was a group she liked way more than I did). She dated before me, had sex at a younger age than me. She even had a later curfew than I did. When I was 18 and out of high school, still living at home, my curfew was 11:00. Before she graduated high school and while she was dating, hers was 11:30. Now she's going to become a mother before me. I hate that I have spent so much time and money trying to get my life in order, only for her to have all of the things I want long before I will ever have them. It's frustrating and makes me feel like I've done nothing. I'm 26 years old and have nothing to show for it, except a bunch of freaking debt.