Odds and Ends

It's always interesting going online and reading comments on blogs and message boards. Some people get so totally bent out of shape over stuff, as if their comment is going to cause the author to change something in the article/blog the commenter just read. It's completely ridiculous. I have been compelled a few times as of late just to comment to other people’s comments that I've read.

I've been researching graduate programs in Tennessee today, just to give me a legitimate reason to move. I'm not all that interested in a graduate program, mainly because buckling down to my undergrad studies was difficult enough, but I thought it would be worth looking into. Vanderbilt would pay my tuition and give me a stipend during the course of my studies. Plus, it's located near downtown Nashville so if I were to enroll anywhere it would be the most likely. A lot of programs required completion of a second semester of 200-level foreign language studies, and there's no way I could enroll in a 202 French class with a more than two-year absence. I wouldn't make it.

I've also been looking at apartments in the Nashville area to get an idea. There are several in Antioch that are nicer than where I live, or seem to be from the pictures, and are also cheaper. Naturally I'd have to go physically look at them, but that's a long way off. Moving is just an idea that I have right now. Something to get me out of this rut I feel like I'm in, and just something to give me a change of scenery for a while.

If it weren't for days like today, I'd go crazy.

I love my days off. I cherish them.

Today I was lazy and didn't really do anything until about four, when I finally decided to vacuum and do a little poop-scooping. I took a shower and headed off to Kroger to finish up some grocery shopping. I spent way more money than usual at Walmart this time, but I still needed meat and produce. When I got to Kroger and pulled a shopping cart out, I noticed there was something that I thought was a dark leaf in the cart. Just as I was getting ready to go around and get it out, I noticed it was moving. So I got around where I could see it and as it started to climb between the holes in the bottom of the cart, I saw that it was a tiny little bat. I started to move the cart around so I could go show the guy that was working at the door, but before I got all the way over there, the bat flew off, straight through the front doors. It was so cool.

I made orange chicken for dinner tonight, after much debate. But I'd been craving it and decided that now was as good a time as any to do it since I have plans for the next few days after work and wouldn't have time. I'm so glad I made it because it was fantastic. I have never been so pleased with something I cooked before. Of course, it was a little kit that I bought. It's not like I made the coating for the chicken or the orange sauce from scratch, but the whole thing still went really well. I wish I didn't have to save some of that for lunch at work tomorrow, because I wanted to finish it all!

I'm sitting here watching the Stevie Nicks Soundstage DVD. I know I say this often, but I want to make babies with that woman. Now I'm going to sit back and listen to "Sara".

We're having a baby, my baby and me.

I had a dream on Saturday night that I was pregnant. It seemed that I hadn't known very long that I was pregnant, but I was quite far along. There was no talk about the baby's father, and I could tell from a few things my mom said in the dream that I was not married. I wasn't being totally chastised for being an unwed expectant mother (which would most definitely not be the case in real life), and at the same time I wasn't afraid of handling the situation completely on my own. The most amazing thing about the dream was how realistic it felt. I woke up still remembering the extra weight on my lower back and how swollen and tight my belly felt.

It was a reminder to me of how much I really do want a baby. I'm broke and sometimes I go out to bars too much, yet I really want a baby. Not the right time in my life, clearly, but the dream can serve as a reminder to me of where I want to be in ten years (or hopefully less).

Life and Death

I have begun reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. I'm on the second book, The Vampire Lestat, right now. When I read the introduction, I was like, "Wow. This is going to be DUMB," but once she started talking about Lestat's beginnings, prior to becoming a vampire, it started to get a lot more interesting. This is a long one, but I'm anxious to get through it. True Blood has really gotten me interested in vampire lore, which is heightened by the fact that I've always been intrigued by the idea of immortality.

I've been afraid of death for as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping, which is probably what led to my night owl-ish nature as an adult. Anyway, I had trouble sleeping because my mind tends to wander at night. I would often have thoughts of death right before bed, which led to the worst thoughts of all: what if I went to sleep and never woke up? So I would fight going to sleep, and often end up going back to watch TV with my mother, near tears because I was so terrified of the morning that might not come. Going to Southern Baptist churches all my life that talked about Heaven vs. Hell never really helped my problem either. It only made me not want to go to church. The ideas of going to Heaven and rejoicing with God for all eternity is something that may be soothing for some people, but not for me. Even scarier than not knowing what happens after death is the idea that, once we die, we live FOREVER in Heaven.

There is nothing that we know in life that doesn't end. You may work forty years at the same job, but eventually you retire or die. You don't continue working there. Video games that seem to take forever to beat all have an ending point. It may be difficult to reach, but there is always that "finish line". Every relationship ends, even if it takes the death of one person to put an end to it, and every major disease either ends up with the person being completely cured or the person dying, both things of which are endings. So, just as scary as dying and having 70-some odd years of your life vanish into oblivion, the idea of living in Heaven without end frightens me like you would not believe.

This is why supernatural characters, first witches and now vampires, have always intrigued me. Living forever in Heaven, which no one knows for sure actually exists, is one thing, but living forever on Earth is something I could go with. After all, the Earth has been in existence, which has been scientifically proven, for billions of years. Who are we to say whether it won't exist for billions more? And I know how things work here. I know that without fail when I get out of bed in the morning, my feet will touch the ground. I know that each night is followed by a morning and the seasons always occur (although this one could be questionable because of global warming) in the same order. I know that 1 + 1 is always 2 and I know that if I am hungry, food will nourish me.

Fear of death and the unknown is something that some people do not possess, but I've never been able to have blind faith in anything. If that means my fear will continue, then I'll learn to deal with it. As long as I'm still here tomorrow, that's all that matters.

The Julie/Julia Project

I just saw Julie & Julia. First let me just say that Meryl Streep is FABULOUS and was simply delightful in this movie. Secondly, like many movies of its nature, this movie inspired me to do something. I haven't figured out what yet, but I know that I must set some sort of short term goal for myself in an attempt to not only better myself, but to get people to read my blog as well. I'm thinking at this point that my goal needs to be related to writing, but blogging about writing just seems a little redundant. Unless of course the writing involved was songwriting. Then I might be able to go somewhere with that. It also helps that I happen to know a guy in a band who could maybe help me out and give my song a little local exposure, but that just seems like reaching too far.

I could set a goal to read all of a particular author's books in a certain amount of time or watch all of someone's movies in a certain amount of time, but those things don't really seem very productive to me. Of course, this whole cookbook thing is actually not a bad idea. After all, I'm not a cook, and trying to get through a certain number of recipes in a certain amount of time would eventually turn out to be fruitful for me. But let's face it. That would take way more money than I can possibly invest in a hobby right now. (See my last blog post.)

On that note, I'm going to try to not freak out about this student loan repayment stuff. I'm going to find a way to make it work for the next six months and then just figure it out from there. After all, I have that check to get me started. I did, however, go out and spend some money today, but it was on food and clothing (besides going to the movie and getting no refreshments) so I think that's okay. I needed some new tops for work and I think spending $5 at the grocery can never be a bad thing. I really wanted to buy Reba's new CD too, but nobody had it for less than $13.99 and I just wasn't willing to spend that in my current financial state.

Time to update/charge my iPod, eat a little something, then go to bed. I have to work 10-6 tomorrow. Stupid holiday hours.

And if anyone has any suggestions for a project I can set a goal for, I'm listening.

If I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd sit in the quad and think, "Oh my god, these kids are so much younger than me."

Bogie got fixed today and all he wants to do is sleep on me. It's adorable.

I just got a check in the mail today for cancelling the service contract on my other car, and it was going to start my Vegas fund but apparently I can't get another student loan forbearance because I can't exceed six months in a twelve month period, so it looks like I'm going to have to make a student loan payment with that money. AWESOME.

If I didn't have a nice car and a cat who adores me, I would say that my life sucks right now.