Long Time Gone

Wow. It's been a while since I posted. Didn't realize it had been that long.

I don't really have that much to update, honestly. In my mind, I've come up with a few commentaries on life over the past couple of weeks, but naturally I didn't write them down, so where does that leave us? Why, right here, with nothing to talk about.

I've been on a Cher kick lately thanks to some CDs and DVDs I borrowed from Kent. I used to really love Cher back about ten years ago, but I guess I've sort of neglected her lately. Sorry Cherilyn.

Bogie is getting ever larger and sometimes more feisty, but I still love having him around and wouldn't trade him for anything.

Looks like I won't be dressing up for Halloween this year. Not only am I broke and can't even afford to piece together a costume from Goodwill, I don't really have any good costume ideas either. I thought of being either Stevie Nicks or Karen Walker, but Stevie would require a wig that I don't really want to wear and Karen would not be recognizable to enough people. Granted, recognizable isn't exactly my bag anyway. Halloween 2007, anyone?

I am supposed to be working about twenty hours a week in the third shift time slot at Kroger, but I haven't heard anything from them since Friday, when I went in to take my drug test. At the time it sounded like a sure thing, but now that they haven't called to set up my orientation I am a little concerned. Not that I have any reason to be worried, but still...

Guess I ought to head to bed now. I haven't been sleeping very well lately. In fact, I'm overly tired most of the time. Anyway, gotta get to bed so I can try to get up on time tomorrow. I'll try to think of some topics at work to blog about and get back to you in a couple days.

I am like an onion. I have many layers.

I posted a blog entry yesterday which I have since deleted. Here is the issue: I am too worried about what people think of me. I deleted the post because it exposed a very embarassing part of myself and I decided I didn't want that out there for everyone to see.

I have always cared too much about what people thought. Once I started becoming, well, me around the sixth grade, I got ridiculed for things that I liked. In the sixth grade my boyfriend had a poster of Mariah Carey in his locker. I had pictures of Lucille Ball. In the eighth grade I raved about this new Bette Midler CD that had just been released and talked a friend into taking it home and listening to it. She told me it was weird. So, in high school, I started keeping things a little more to myself. I listened to music and read in my room. Bette Midler's version of "I Sold My Soul To Rock 'n' Roll" was my "angry song" and I watched The Golden Girls religiously. But I didn't go out and share these things as much with other people. Granted, my Bette Midler obsession has always been out there, but I didn't talk about guys or the feelings of jealousy I had toward other, more confident girls in my age bracket. I didn't want people to single me out for anything else.

My freshman year of college was really stressful for me. At the time, I thought it was mostly because I was working so much, plus going to school full time, plus a couple of different guy issues I was having at the time, but now I realize that it was all just a release of the past five or six years of my life. I went through several spells where I would get crippling stomach cramps brought on by crippling neck pain that was caused by stress. I was really worried about my health. When I had a spell during a German study group in which my left arm and the left side of my face went numb, I got really nervous and saw a doctor. He told me what I knew all along, that it was stress, but I will never forget how awful I felt during that time frame.

Since then, I have tried to lighten up. I really feel that I am much more free than I was when I started college five years ago, but even now I have times when I get concerned about what others think. I worry that I have been too vulnerable or revealed too much of myself to someone, and sometimes it makes me nauseous. I am not totally honest in my answers to questions because I worry that my feelings will be rejected. Even when I do let loose and say what I'm actually thinking or feeling, my words are often met with negative reactions, like me offending someone or putting my foot in my mouth. Then I go back to clamming up and start the cycle all over again.

I wish that I could live every aspect of my life here, on a page, where everyone could see every ingrown hair, every gross mole, every rough patch of skin, and every yellow toenail. And along with that, I wish that the way people responded meant nothing to me at all. I wish I could worry more about the experience and the lesson than I do about the consequences. But it's just not me. Maybe it will be in ten years, or maybe it won't. Who knows? I am really trying though, and I know that I am getting better...just not as much better as I had hoped.

White Trash Evening

I just went to Walmart at 12:15 to buy Cheerios. Wait, that's not all. I was wearing Eeyore pajama pants, a tacky sweatshirt, and no bra. I have become that which I hate.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it was pretty pathetic. I was running low on cereal and thought, "Oh, I've got nothing better to do. It's either get up off my ass and walk around for ten or fifteen minutes, or read, or watch more of The Golden Girls." So I thought I might as well get up and do something for about forty-five minutes so that I could feel like my day had a purpose.

I don't guess I should complain. At least we had plenty to do at work today.

Maybe they ought to charge an extra tax for clean water.

Here's a blog I wrote yesterday while I was at work:

I just finished reading this article about a proposed “fat tax”. (http://www.slate.com/id/2228713) Okay, I won’t lie. I didn’t read ALL of the article, but I did read most of it. Here’s what I think: I see the point about the tax. It could have its benefits as far as reducing the amount of soda drank by consumers in this country. But the last paragraph of the article really outlines the whole problem for me: the people that this tax will most affect are the ones who can’t afford healthy beverages and juices to replace soda in their diets, and while, yes, water is an extremely cheap option for most of us, I do not advise drinking water from the tap. Ever. Now, I do have a Brita water filter myself, one of those pitchers. I use tap water to fill it. But having lived in Campbellsville for the majority of my life with a subpar city water filtration system, I can say that the suggestion at the end of this article is more preposterous than the idea of calling a tax “fat tax”. (Click the “drink from the faucet” link there in the last paragraph. It’ll take you to a lengthy but informative NY Times article about disregard for the Clean Water Act.)

Campbellsville, per capita, probably has one of the highest cancer rates in the state, if not the nation. Breast cancer is incredibly common, and many young women my age and younger (self included) have had cysts on/in various parts of their reproductive systems. Many have had cysts so large on their ovaries that they could actually be considered tumors, and several of these women have had to have such growths removed more than once. Everyone knows that the problem is the city water, yet no one does anything about it. Growing up, we always drank bottled water. Even when we saw no negative effects from drinking the tap water, it still tasted disgusting. But there’s no way to stop using contaminated water completely. It would be far too expensive, not to mention inconvenient, to use bottled water for bathing as well. Then again, why should we have to? It’s just unbelievable how little gets done to protect basic human rights like the availability of clean water. (Let’s not get started on clean water in other countries. That’s a fight that we may never win.) I mean, did we learn nothing from the likes of Erin Brokovich and Karen Silkwood?

The other issue I had with the article was the fact that it was called a “fat tax”. How insulting is that to overweight people? At least the government isn’t suggesting we tax people for each pound they are overweight. So much for my fondness of WWII era America.

Widgey widgey woo.

Also, let me know what you think about the Twitter widget I added. I'm not sure I like the fact that it only shows my most recent tweet.

I may not be 13 and hip, but read my blog anyway!

I've been taking a look at Tavi Gevinson's blog just now. Saw a blurb about it on MSN and decided I should check it out. There's lots of stuff from Fashion Week, which doesn't really interest me, but I'm very impressed with her writing style (especially the fact that she is a good speller and knows the basic rules of grammar - so rare for someone her age these days!). Anyway, I feel like an old fart considering this girl that was born when I was in the fourth grade has gotten more attention than I probably ever will.

Bogie is driving me crazy. He's climbing from the bar stools onto the bar now and has ended up in the kitchen sink more than once. No matter how many times I pull him down from there, he still finds his way back up. It's impossible to discourage him.

I am trying to finish up season four of The Golden Girls tonight. I know I've seen every single episode of this show as much as I used to watch it back in high school, but renting it on Netflix is allowing me to see them in order, which is nice. This is one of many shows, however, that doesn't have much continuity. Each episode could practically stand on its own, less the major background details that provide insight into the behavior of the characters, and it's slightly frustrating how details about minor characters get changed from season to season. I'm also watching quite a bit of Will & Grace. I now own every season but the final one of that, and I'm really enjoying me some Karen Walker right now. I want to walk around with a martini glass and call everyone honey.

Oh, and speaking of things to read:

http://www.examiner.com/x-6566-Nashville-Gay-Community-Examiner~y2009m10d1-One-Million-Moms-Attack-the-Modern-Family-with-Glee

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

A couple of weeks ago I hung out with one of my closest friends from work. It was the first time we'd ever done anything outside of work together. We had a really nice time, got to talk a little bit, but the best part was taking a walk around her neighborhood. She was telling me stories about her neighbors. It was amazing. Every house we passed, she knew personal details of these people's lives. It was like it was 1957 or something. I was so impressed that in a place as big as Lexington, people still know their neighbors. Made me a little nostalgic.

I stopped by the theater earlier and saw Extract. I also put in an application because I need a little part time work. Anyway, this month marks two years since I worked there. It's incredible. Sometimes it feels like longer since I worked there, and other times it doesn't feel that long. I'm confident I could go behind that counter and still work those registers today.

I'm really low on money right now, so I will be trying to get a part-time job, at least for the holidays. So, if anybody knows of someone that's hiring...