I hate my life.

Lately I've been in sort of a funk.

Seems like I say that a lot these days.

Anyway, the funk. I have been feeling, well, a lot of things, but alone and useless mostly. I don't suppose useless is the right word. I just feel like I am just another fish in the great blue ocean of life and that no matter how hard I swim I am just stuck there. Sometimes the water is murky and shallow, and other times it's breathtaking, but still there I am, floating around with no other hope in life. I used to have big dreams for myself, but fear and reality have shoved those dreams into a suitcase in my figurative attic. (I say figurative only because I don't have an actual attic.) So this funk causes not only a lot of depression for me about how little I have accomplished in my life, but it also causes quite a bit of general agitation with my situation and even people around me. I get up, work out (new thing I just started), shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV/play PS2, go to bed, and start the same cycle the next day. On days that I don't have the exact same cycle, usually the only difference is a trip to the grocery store or the lack of work. I need some adventure and excitement in my life or else I may just implode. Every now and then there are small bright spots, like hanging out with friends for a few hours instead of being home on the couch, or spending a little non-crazy time with my family. But those bright spots are so few and far between that the depression doesn't go away, it just fades.

I think I need to get away for a day. My plan is to take a day trip somewhere on Saturday just to do something different and get my mind off of things. But right now I can't decide where I want to go. I just need to do something to remind me that I'm more than just a girl in a cubicle with only a cat waiting for me at home. Hopefully a little trip will help.

Pass the merlot.

Not having cable limits my blog writing considerably. I love giving my opinion/analysis of shows/movies, so the fact that I see so few new ones limits the things I can talk about here. I did see It's Complicated recently, which I thought was a great romantic comedy no matter what your age is. It's ultimately about how sometimes we let what's comfortable override what's right, and the mess that can get one into. Meryl Streep's character seemed very much like what I imagine Meryl to be like in real life: put together, yet slightly ditsy, with an effortless sex appeal. Whereas many actors become caricatures of themselves as they grow older (I'm talking to you, Nicholson), Meryl just grows more intricate and layered. In her younger years, people were overwhelmed by her talent for accents specifically, and how she could play any nationality with ease. But now she seems more relaxed and natural in her portrayals, making her more relatable. I personally think that women are like fine wines. If allowed to age properly, they can become more robust and fulfilling. I suppose I say this partially because, as I get older, the women I admire get older as well, and aging with them rather than looking back on their progression gives me a greater appreciation of who they are.

Now, speaking of fine wines, that George Clooney...yum. I read on Perez Hilton today that George's girlfriend wants to have his baby. For whatever reason, perhaps because she looks like a hag, I thought she was about ten years older than she actually is. So, as I was about to comment how some dried-up uterus didn't deserve to attempt to carry his child, I had to stop myself. She's only 32, so her uterus is probably in about as good of shape as mine. I still think I'm more suited to carry his child, but that's probably just because I have a greater appreciation for the Clooney dynasty whereas she likely just wants to milk him for some child support. Oh well. I don't think I'm his type anyway.

I just donated here:
http://doctorswithoutborders.org/

And bought a sweatshirt here:
https://www.shopcaesars.com/productslist.aspx?CategoryID=72&selection=72

What? My priorities are in the right place.

Ellen

So Ellen DeGeneres had two teenagers on her show today that had posted a YouTube video in hopes of someday being on the show. I didn't watch the clip. Maybe they have some sort of rare super-talent. But I made a YouTube video trying to get Ellen's attention too, and it didn't work. :( This depresses me. Granted, I'm not jailbait and didn't actually have images of myself in the video, but now it makes me feel like they got on her show because their video got a ton of hits, which makes me feel bad because mine didn't. It wasn't for lack of trying! I was all over Facebook advertising said video plus I posted something on Ellen's site about it, and I wrote a blog about it. So they're cute and underage and I'm not so they got to be on her show.

Sorry, I'm just really depressed right now anyway so I'm just overreacting. I want certain things so badly but am too scared to actually try to achieve them, so I guess I have no right to complain anyway. *sigh* Continue to ignore me.

Hush little baby, don't say a word.

Well, that's it. I'm done working two jobs! Yay! I'm still not caught up on sleep, so I will be spending lots of time while I'm not at work on the couch. I actually think tonight I'm going to buy a log and have a fire going tonight. So warm. Mmm.

Okay, gotta tell you a secret. I really really really really want a baby. I know I'm not in the right place in my life in more ways than one, but all of these people keep having babies and I keep thinking of myself pregnant and wondering what it feels like and what I would look like and what it would make me think about. My biological clock will ring through my ears from time to time (has been for almost ten years now) and I just can't help but think about it. I think part of me is afraid it will never happen for me and that's why I seem to keep dwelling on it so much. I don't know. Plus I'm just lonely and I know that a baby would make me happy. Of course, I do have my cat baby, but a real baby doesn't claw and scratch the hell out of you when they get mad. Sigh. This has been a long week.