Lately I've been in sort of a funk.
Seems like I say that a lot these days.
Anyway, the funk. I have been feeling, well, a lot of things, but alone and useless mostly. I don't suppose useless is the right word. I just feel like I am just another fish in the great blue ocean of life and that no matter how hard I swim I am just stuck there. Sometimes the water is murky and shallow, and other times it's breathtaking, but still there I am, floating around with no other hope in life. I used to have big dreams for myself, but fear and reality have shoved those dreams into a suitcase in my figurative attic. (I say figurative only because I don't have an actual attic.) So this funk causes not only a lot of depression for me about how little I have accomplished in my life, but it also causes quite a bit of general agitation with my situation and even people around me. I get up, work out (new thing I just started), shower, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV/play PS2, go to bed, and start the same cycle the next day. On days that I don't have the exact same cycle, usually the only difference is a trip to the grocery store or the lack of work. I need some adventure and excitement in my life or else I may just implode. Every now and then there are small bright spots, like hanging out with friends for a few hours instead of being home on the couch, or spending a little non-crazy time with my family. But those bright spots are so few and far between that the depression doesn't go away, it just fades.
I think I need to get away for a day. My plan is to take a day trip somewhere on Saturday just to do something different and get my mind off of things. But right now I can't decide where I want to go. I just need to do something to remind me that I'm more than just a girl in a cubicle with only a cat waiting for me at home. Hopefully a little trip will help.
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Hi Lora,
ReplyDeleteI know it’s been quite some time since we’ve actually spoken, but I follow your blog, just to see how you’re doing.
I’m sad to see that you’ve let reality and fear dash your hopes and dreams. You could have it all, you just need to believe.
This whole reality thing, that’s really what I wanted to comment on. See, for the past year and a half I’ve been without a job (not from a lack of trying), so I’ve pretty much been broke. I’ve avoided dating because of this fact, but back in April I stepped out there and started dating a sweet girl named Alison. It seemed like everything was going well until she began getting upset with me for some of the choices I was making in my life. She told me that I needed to make a decision: join the human race, or continue to fail at life. I asked her what she meant by this and she told me, “this theatre thing is shit. Just give it up already, you’re not going anywhere and you’re broke.” Of course this was upsetting (I’ve been performing locally in Community Theatre for the last two years), and I had to know why she would say this. She told me about how she had to give up her hopes and dreams of playing violin and painting because it wouldn’t pay the bills- she told me I needed to join reality, suck it up and find a job that would make me money. Of course I had to dispute this and tell her that I was looking for a job, it was just difficult in this economy. She refused to be with me if I wasn’t going to give up everything I’ve ever dreamed of, but I told her that I wasn’t going to change who I was for someone, and I certainly wasn’t going to let the lack of a job keep me from what I love.
I guess what I’m trying to convey to you is that you should never completely give up on your hopes and dreams, no matter what reality says you should do. How are you supposed to continue to be yourself without those hopes and dreams?
I definitely think you should take that trip, change up your routine a bit. If you get yourself in that funk, yes, reality will take over and you will lose yourself in routine.
Andrew