Wow. I knew it had been a while since I posted, but I didn't realize it had been like six weeks.

I haven't been doing much writing lately, or working out, or experimenting with recipes from Pinterest. I haven't done a lot of anything at all, to be honest. My evenings are mostly spent lying on the couch in front of my TV after work. I had been feeling depressed and fat, and just generally unmotivated. I've also had some money stresses lately, so things have been very dull in my life. But I'm working on it. I've been trying to adjust my attitude at work. There have been a lot of changes that haven't necessarily been great, so I've been coping with that. I traded in my wrecked Corolla for a newer one, only to discover the registration on the original one had been cancelled and I owed $700 in taxes on it as well, since when I financed it back in the spring, the bank failed to tack on any sales tax. I was fit to be tied over that for several weeks, but it's basically all been straightened out at this point and I've managed to move on. I've been trying to get back into a workout routine again over the last two weeks, but with winter approaching, I question whether my motivation will hold up. This is how the slacking off started last winter. I just didn't want to leave my warm apartment to go exercise, so I stored up some fat over the winter and just never really got back into the habit.

The babies are turning one here soon, so I have birthday planning to look forward to, which will naturally be offset by the horror that is Christmas. But it will be fun, with them having their first real Christmas and watching them open gifts.

I want to say I'll try to blog more, but I don't want to do it without anything to say, so I'll save my next entry for something exciting, if anything exciting ever happens to me again.

I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate money.

I had this big idea that I was going to pay off my credit card in three years.

It would be nice if I could actually live on a completely restricted budget, but there are always issues that arise. For example, having to travel for family-related things that you didn't plan for, therefore spending more gas money. Having to buy a new bite guard to prevent myself from grinding my teeth to pieces in my sleep. Having to buy new glasses. It's always something. This past week has definitely been something for me. In the past year, not only have I not made a dent in my $3600 of existing credit card debt, but I have built up $600 more. ($330 of this since last Thursday.) I could always get a second job again, which never actually allows me to get ahead financially and makes me tired as fuck to boot. I could take on a roommate, which would definitely save me a couple hundred a month in living expenses (if not more).

But what do I have to sacrifice in order to get out of debt? Granted, I've known of people who had tens of thousands in credit card debt, so I don't suppose I have all that much to worry about right now. I can afford my monthly credit card payment, so at least I'm not paying late fees and overages and having things charged off on my credit report. I just sometimes feel that I'm under unnecessary pressure. I'm only 25 years old, and I have a car payment and student loans to worry about. I'd have to be making twice what I do in order to feel like I'm making a dent in my debt. But why am I in such a hurry to get it all paid off? I'm not behind on things. I'm not going to get evicted; my car's not going to get repossessed. Why can't I just chill out? Why do we all feel such pressure to keep up with the Joneses?

It's America, man. What the hell is our problem?

Well, still waiting to get my car back after my accident. I've been in a rental since December 20th. I am feeling slightly less frustrated with my situation today than I have been. I mentioned the change in our pay schedules in an earlier blog. Today was the first paycheck out of this new schedule. This particular check was actually larger than usual, but due to the changeover, this pay was for 12 days instead of 10, so that was why. Checks that follow will be for less. But I can't complain. $100 extra bucks on my first check this month, and no car payment to come out of my January pay. I'm using this extra money to pay down some money I charged on my second credit card. Also, I only have a little over three months left on my lease at my current apartment, and I plan on moving somewhere with lower rent, so I can't wait for that.

A little less than two months left until the Lady Gaga concert. I have that to look forward to, at least.

Existence is futile.

I have gone through most of my 25 years under the impression that I am intelligent, talented, and unique. Just recently, however, I have realized that these things are all lies.

I have been struggling for some time with my "purpose". What is it? How do I achieve it? And why in hell can't I figure out what it is? Many people would tell me to turn to God, that He will reveal my purpose to me. While my way of trying to find my purpose may not be any more productive than prayer, it is also not any less productive, and I refuse to leave major life decisions up to some higher entity. While in the long run, yes, these things may be up to a higher power and not myself, I can at least actively work toward decisions on my own, that way I feel like I have some semblance of control over my own existence. I have been unhappy in my life because I believe that I am here for some greater reason, and I can't figure out how it is that I am supposed to make my mark on society and create my legacy. I have received no signs, to the best of my knowledge, and if anything, there are only more and more hurdles being placed in the way of me finding my destiny.

I had been thinking about going back to school to get a second degree. I really want a job in the creative industry, but I realize it is very competitive, and I may not even be good enough at creative things to excel in that anyway. Several years ago, inspired by the music of Fleetwood Mac, I briefly considered going into sound mixing so that I could work with recording studios and artists to create new music, but for some reason I didn't ever pursue that. Now I've been thinking again about going into that field, but no one who has given me any advice on the subject seems to think it's a good idea. All I know is I don't want to sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I want to be remembered, and I'm not going to be remembered for processing loans or anything else about my heretofore meaningless existence. I have no doubt in my mind that I could easily get into another college. But would it be fruitful for me to do so? I'm already in a career that has absolutely nothing to do with my college major, and if not for the fact that I had to have a four-year degree to get this job, I would even say that going to college the first time was a waste of money. So going back? Well, one good thing would be the fact that I'd be able to defer my current student loans while enrolled full-time, but if I'm taking out more student loans that's sort of counterproductive. I'd also have to relocate, which part of me desperately wants, but another part of me doesn't. I'm already incredibly lonely, and if I move somewhere where I don't know anyone, those feelings will surely only compound.

On the other hand, moving away from all that I know and enrolling in school again would allow for a fresh start, and a fresh start could lead to a new perspective. I would certainly welcome that. But then again, it goes back to the question of whether or not this would be a smart move financially. I struggle as it is, but with an uncertain future in a niche job market and additional debt, the freedom of this new life may be overshadowed by further financial struggle.

See, if God really did care what happened to me, this would be the time where he would step in and point me in the right direction. Or am I supposed to set up a sign for myself? For example, if I get a year-end raise, then that is my sign that I am supposed to stay in Lexington, and if I don't it's time to move on. Is this what I am to do? Set up that guideline and let Him decide which way to take things? I guess that's all I can do for now. It's not like I can just up and move anyway. I just pray that I get my sign, whatever it may be, by March, that way I can actually start making solid plans.

Oh, and the reasons why I feel I'm not special, talented, or unique? Because if I were, I wouldn't be just another millworker. I don't have anything that makes me stand out in a crowd of thousands, nor do I have anything to make me special to the masses. I may be loved by a handful of people, but if they outlive me, when they die, so does my memory, and I don't see that as me being special at all.

I hate hate hate money.

Ladies and germs, it's that time of year again. Time for Lora to be stressed out over money! Wheeeeeee! This is when a real-life Karen Walker would come in handy. I could be her little Jackie. And yes, I would perform sexual favors for Karen in exchange for her being my sugar momma.

I decided I needed a new wardrobe, so I've been working on that. Then, I bought Lady Gaga tickets. And I'm going to Chicago this weekend. None of these things can I actually afford. So most of it I'm paying for on credit and paying back. But paying it back is the issue anyway. I doubt I'll get a Christmas bonus because business has not been good for us this year. Starting next month I have to pay $5 extra on rent, plus with the cold weather coming (eventually, I guess) my electric bill will be way higher than it has been. Right now I'm just praying for a raise. I should have nothing to worry about there, but what if they decide not to give raises this year? I'm screwed. Our insurance premiums already went up, and it wasn't that much but I'm making like $3.50 less each month, which doesn't help with my increased rent. I get this way a couple times a year, but to be honest, if I made more money, I would just spend more money.

Bootleg Betty, how I will miss thee.

This article makes me incredibly sad:

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2010/sep/25/lawyers-argue-r-j-stories-web-arent-protected-copy/

Copyright infrigement is bullshit, as far as I'm concerned. The purpose of the internet is for information sharing, so as long as someone isn't trying to pass off a story as their own, then what harm is being done? Due to what you read in this article, my favorite website, my main source of news for my favorite celebrity, is shutting down at the end of this month. I think our country has far worse problems than people sharing articles/files. I'm all about supporting artists and writers, but why should they get a piece of everything? I mean, file sharing, for example. Many files shared between people in the fan communities I am in are files that were not and never have been for sale. So if people share things that were never meant for profit in the first place, then what are they doing wrong? I am so tired of the almighty dollar running everything.

I mean, I have worked my ass off since I turned 18. I worked full-time while attending college full-time, and everything I have I paid for myself. I'm making the payments on my student loans, I'm paying for my car, and I pay every penny of my rent and bills. My dad has worked for over 30 years, earning money to build a home and support a wife and two children, even working nights and working two jobs so that my  mother could stay home with us before we started school. It is not fair for some people to have to work like that when other people do not do a day of work in their lives and get to travel extensively and coast through life, all on someone else's penny. I am sick of it all. I am sick of this country, this government, and people with their self-righteousness.

All of that because my Bette source is getting taken away...geez.

10/25 UPDATE: Bootleg Betty is not closing just yet! Don has decided to hold off at least until the end of the year, and is exploring his options to save the site! Yay!

fierce

Sometimes I feel like I don't blog enough. I feel like I haven't been on here in ages, and it's only been a week. But a long week.

Things are going well with the loans in forbearance. Money's still tight, but it's nice to have a little breathing room. I even bought a few new clothing items over the weekend. I need more things for sure, but I was happy with my purchases. I'm almost 25 now, and should probably start dressing a little more mature. I think it may be time to get rid of the polos. I'm so much sexier in dress clothes.

Guess who's back? Back again. Shady's back. Tell a friend.

No more quoting Eminem, I swear.

I have decided to implement a five-year plan to get myself out of debt. I realize five years seems like a relatively long time, but when you consider the fact that I have $50,000 in student loan debt, then it's not that long at all. Of course, I don't have any plans of being rid of my student loan debt by then. It will be financially impossible, unless I were to move back in with my parents for like three years.

So here's the plan. If I pay about $35 extra a month (beyond the minimum payment) toward my credit card I can have it paid off by August 2013. I have one of my student loans deferred for six months and the others for three months, so if I apply for a modified repayment plan on the three loans, in three months I can start saving to buy my car once my lease is up. Even I only save half of what I need to buy my car and then finance the rest, I could have it paid off within about four and a half years. That's four and half years from now, not from when my lease is up. Now, once my car is paid I can start taking a major portion of my money that was allotted for my car payment and apply that toward my student loans. If I'm lucky, with bonuses and raises over the next five years, I will have no credit card debt, a car that's paid for, and be well on my way to paying my student loans off early. I'd really like to have those paid off within fifteen years instead of the twenty five that is my estimated payoff time.

Now all I wish is that I had some sort of super budget-calculating spreadsheet so that I could map all this out.

I remember the thunder, talking 'bout the fire in your eyes.

I tried to cockblock somebody tonight. I won't deny it. Whatever. She was too good for him.

Halloween is probably my favorite holiday. It gives everyone a chance to pretend they're something they're not, and/or to dress totally outrageously. I went as a cold bitch this year, or so I was told. I actually didn't have a costume, which is the first time in...well, possibly the first time ever. I just couldn't afford a costume and didn't feel like dressing like a slut, although I did think about it. No, instead I went in the same clothes I wore to work. Tomorrow I suppose I'll have to uphold my usual Halloween tradition of watching Hocus Pocus since my work/party-going didn't give me time to do so today.

This evening I realized I have three things that make life worth living. One thing is something personal that I have to keep to myself, but the other two things are Bette Midler and Stevie Nicks. I am sad and alone and it is pathetic.

Tomorrow is my first official day at Kroger, so I'm sure I will be especially tired at DFS on Monday. I will be so glad to not be completely broke all the time.

Maybe they ought to charge an extra tax for clean water.

Here's a blog I wrote yesterday while I was at work:

I just finished reading this article about a proposed “fat tax”. (http://www.slate.com/id/2228713) Okay, I won’t lie. I didn’t read ALL of the article, but I did read most of it. Here’s what I think: I see the point about the tax. It could have its benefits as far as reducing the amount of soda drank by consumers in this country. But the last paragraph of the article really outlines the whole problem for me: the people that this tax will most affect are the ones who can’t afford healthy beverages and juices to replace soda in their diets, and while, yes, water is an extremely cheap option for most of us, I do not advise drinking water from the tap. Ever. Now, I do have a Brita water filter myself, one of those pitchers. I use tap water to fill it. But having lived in Campbellsville for the majority of my life with a subpar city water filtration system, I can say that the suggestion at the end of this article is more preposterous than the idea of calling a tax “fat tax”. (Click the “drink from the faucet” link there in the last paragraph. It’ll take you to a lengthy but informative NY Times article about disregard for the Clean Water Act.)

Campbellsville, per capita, probably has one of the highest cancer rates in the state, if not the nation. Breast cancer is incredibly common, and many young women my age and younger (self included) have had cysts on/in various parts of their reproductive systems. Many have had cysts so large on their ovaries that they could actually be considered tumors, and several of these women have had to have such growths removed more than once. Everyone knows that the problem is the city water, yet no one does anything about it. Growing up, we always drank bottled water. Even when we saw no negative effects from drinking the tap water, it still tasted disgusting. But there’s no way to stop using contaminated water completely. It would be far too expensive, not to mention inconvenient, to use bottled water for bathing as well. Then again, why should we have to? It’s just unbelievable how little gets done to protect basic human rights like the availability of clean water. (Let’s not get started on clean water in other countries. That’s a fight that we may never win.) I mean, did we learn nothing from the likes of Erin Brokovich and Karen Silkwood?

The other issue I had with the article was the fact that it was called a “fat tax”. How insulting is that to overweight people? At least the government isn’t suggesting we tax people for each pound they are overweight. So much for my fondness of WWII era America.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

A couple of weeks ago I hung out with one of my closest friends from work. It was the first time we'd ever done anything outside of work together. We had a really nice time, got to talk a little bit, but the best part was taking a walk around her neighborhood. She was telling me stories about her neighbors. It was amazing. Every house we passed, she knew personal details of these people's lives. It was like it was 1957 or something. I was so impressed that in a place as big as Lexington, people still know their neighbors. Made me a little nostalgic.

I stopped by the theater earlier and saw Extract. I also put in an application because I need a little part time work. Anyway, this month marks two years since I worked there. It's incredible. Sometimes it feels like longer since I worked there, and other times it doesn't feel that long. I'm confident I could go behind that counter and still work those registers today.

I'm really low on money right now, so I will be trying to get a part-time job, at least for the holidays. So, if anybody knows of someone that's hiring...

If I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd sit in the quad and think, "Oh my god, these kids are so much younger than me."

Bogie got fixed today and all he wants to do is sleep on me. It's adorable.

I just got a check in the mail today for cancelling the service contract on my other car, and it was going to start my Vegas fund but apparently I can't get another student loan forbearance because I can't exceed six months in a twelve month period, so it looks like I'm going to have to make a student loan payment with that money. AWESOME.

If I didn't have a nice car and a cat who adores me, I would say that my life sucks right now.

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know.

Well, I got a flat tire again. This is three (second time on the same tire) within less than two months. I am just about fed up with...well, everything. I'm sick of owing so much money on a worthless piece of shit car, I'm sick of having credit card debt that I can't afford to stay out of, and I'm really sick of living hand-to-mouth 90% of the time. I don't understand. I'm making more money now than I ever have and somehow I keep digging myself deeper and deeper. I suppose now that I've stopped spending money on concerts (hey, a girl's gotta live, right?) that things will improve a little, but I'm still stuck in a rut with this car. Just when I decided I would try to stick it out with this car for another year in order to get my balance down on it, now this tire situation comes up. I don't have the money laying around to just up and buy another tire. In the morning I'm going to take my car to Wal-Mart and see if they can just patch it. Otherwise, I'll owe my parents fifty bucks for helping me out with the tire. I get paid on Thursday, but what does that matter anymore? I have to pay my rent and my credit card bill, then it will be time to buy groceries again.

I'm also fucked right now because of the fact that I finally broke down and went to the clinic. I've had this sort of cough for over a month and haven't felt just right the whole time. Every time I thought I was getting better it would get worse. Finally I just said screw it and went, hoping I could get it cleared up. The way my health care plan works, I get billed for office visits, but I still had to pay for my prescription. $30 for 6 pills! And to top it all off, what they gave me was a Z-pack, which I had forgotten makes me nauseous. So I paid thirty bucks for 5 days worth of stomach cramps. Awesome!

My head's been racing lately too. Things seemed to have gotten better when I changed to this new position at work, but now I'm back to my old antics. I'm having trouble sleeping and focusing, and my body's all tense again too. I guess all this stress outside of work is what's doing it (money issues and whatnot), but it doesn't ease up when I'm at work. I used to be able to play some music while I was working to help me clear my head, but that's not working for me now either. It just seems that I can't ever stay stress-free for very long. My body just won't let me.

Working Woman's Blues

Work is slow (again), so I guess it's time for a riveting blog update!

I was without a car for five days. Well, technically only two I guess, but really five. Turns out it was the fuel pump, which only cost me a $160 as opposed to the $500 or $600 it potentially could have cost. $160 is still a lot of money to someone in my financial situation.

Jon-Michael and I went to Chicago for July 4th. I'd been wanting to go back ever since our first trip, and it worked out that we could both get the 3rd off, so we decided to go then. Having my car break down two days before leaving for Chicago was very fortunate in a way. That meant it didn't matter that I was without a car, but it also meant that I had to be a thrifty spender while in Chicago in order to make sure I had enough money for my repairs when I got back. The trip, of course, was great. I really like Chicago and would love to visit more often. It rained on the 4th, but we got to take a water taxi on Lake Michigan that day, and I think the rain made it more interesting. I'm normally one to complain about getting caught in the rain, but it was really just a light drizzle all day and I was so happy to be in Chicago that I really didn't care. I was unable to chip in on parking and gas for the trip, but thankfully Jon-Michael is damn near loaded so I'm just going to pay him back for my half once I get paid again. I get paid a week from today. I have an expired, almost empty, gallon of milk and barely any gas in my car. I have $2.38 in my checking account. Ain't life grand?

For those of you who actually read this, and who are my real friends, I have some pictures from my Chicago trip up on Facebook. Soon I plan on adding them to my scrapbook from the last Chicago trip. You know, whenever I can afford to buy scrapbooking supplies.

Less money, mo' problems.

Well, it's happened. A good financial time for me just went bad. A check that I wrote went through the day before I got paid and now I've been charged $90 in overdraft fees because of three charges I made after that. Why does this always happen to me? The thing that pisses me off the most about it was the fact that the check that went through was a check to MY FUCKING BANK for my car payment.

I hate my life.

I'm a broke-ass bitch.

I still have a defunct power cord at home, so no laptop usage for me. Back to the good ole public library.

I've been working on my tax stuff and am very disappointed to only be receiving $220. I made more than I ever have last year, pushing me up into a new tax bracket, apparently, because I'm not getting shit. I made $7000 more in '08 than '07, and last time I got back $850. It makes absolutely no fucking sense to me. Worst of all though, this kills all of my dreams of possibly seeing Bette Midler this year. I'm already broke all the time, plus I just spent $250 getting my car fixed. I was relying on a solid tax return to send me to Las Vegas, but alas, no. I never get what I want.

So I have decided it is time to turn to the gods of celebrity for help. I'm considering even going to YouTube for this if I have to, but look out here in the next little bit for an open letter to Ellen DeGeneres.

Oh, and I finally got my car back last Wednesday. Yay!

On tonight's agenda: contemplating suicide.

Not really. Don't send the fucking cops over here or something.

Last weekend, let's just say I had some "issues" with my car that are basically straightened out now. Poor little Reba Nell has a hole where someone decided to bust my front bumper and not let me know about it. So, I have to be out $250 (and that's just my deductible) to get her all patched up. Granted, I could be like all those other people who don't get their wrecked cars fixed, but seeing as how my car is the only tangible thing I own, I kind of like to keep her looking sharp. Now, the reason I said "contemplating suicide" is that I have a hard enough time paying all of my bills as is. Throw in an extra $250 expense and we begin to have a much more serious problem. I could wait until I get my tax refund back, but that's my Vegas1 money. So I'm just going to have to cut even more corners than usual for the next month or two so that I can pay for these repairs.

But now I'm seriously freaking out about money. I'm trying to figure out which bills to pay when in order for me to have the most money available out of tomorrow's paycheck to get my car fixed. With me doing this, my rent is going to be barely on time for the next two months, if not longer. This will leave less money for me to spend on food than usual, and I can forget about leaving the house because I won't be able to afford the gas to go anywhere but to work. I've really not been wanting to go back to school because...well, I just don't want to...but I'm starting to think I may have to in order to get people to take my degree seriously. I can't even get a fucking internship!

Ugh, okay. Enough complaining. It's time to go to bed. I have to get up in the morning to go get my tags renewed. (Another wonderful unexpected expense.)

1My Vegas money is not gambling money as one might think. This refers to the money I have to spend this year in order to finally go see Bette Midler, the love of my life, live in concert. Plus all the Bette-related merchandise I will be purchasing while I'm there...