introspection

I guess I need to network more so I can get more blog/Twitter followers. So much for (foolishly, of course) hoping to get a book deal out of my amusing ramblings. Well, I never really thought that would happen, but it would be nice to get noticed for my writing.

I went to King's Island on Sunday on a work-sponsored trip. I had a pleasant time. Got to spend some time talking to @verticalQ and invited Leticia, who I hadn't seen since October. It's funny, you always see movies where people hang out with their old college buddies even when they're all married. It's like that's the group of friends that stick with you, because you're not necessarily just friends because circumstance brought you together. But in my personal experience, the truest friends I have are the ones I still have from high school. Granted, I don't spend very much time with them, but I live in a different city than one and a different state than another, so that makes it harder. When push comes to shove, though, these are the friends I still trust the most. It's cool to think back on younger days with friends you actually knew then, because you can all reflect on how you've changed. Even friends I've had since college have noticed a difference in my attitudes, behaviors, and maturity over that span of time.

When I was in high school, I used to look at the sex-obsessed, immature, nonambitious kids that I knew and think, "I am so lucky that I know who I am." I wouldn't say I felt I was better than these people (although now I certainly do), but I just felt sorry for them, like they were lacking something that I had probably not already achieved but had been born with: a strong sense of self. And I really did know who I was, but what I didn't know was that I was still going to change. Back then, I thought that knowing who I was meant that I was set, but now I realize that changing is part of life. It's almost always circumstance that changes you. You definitely can't do it of your own volition, not without years and years of hard work. Even then, you're most likely changing a behavior. You can't change your opinions or beliefs or expectations willingly; it just happens over time. Maybe I didn't know who I was in high school. Maybe I found myself later. But now, even though I know more about myself than I ever have, I still don't know what it is I want out of my life. I know I want to be deeply loved, and I want to be remembered, but the ways I will achieve these things is still unclear to me.

I know I'm not old, but I am approaching 25, and it has made me very introspective. It's funny though: ten years ago I thought I would be married with at least one child by now. But here I am, with no kids and marriage likely still pretty far off. I'm enjoying my twenties though, and I am so glad I have all of this time to just be me before having to worry about caring for anyone else. My cat is enough of a commitment for me for now.