Three months ago, the notion of going to my upcoming high school reunion (date TBD) was something that thrilled me to no end. I imagined attending in some curve-hugging, cleavage-bearing dress, and all the guys that never noticed me in high school would notice me now. I'd be charming and hilarious and everyone would think it was wonderful that I got out of town and am so "successful". Last night, the reality of the possibility of a reunion actually came to fruition. I had been added to a Facebook group devoted to planning and discussing the event. As soon as I started reading the posts alluding to our glorious high school days, I was suddenly filled with a bitterness I thought that I had finally come to terms with. But, evidently, being a nobody in high school is something you never really get over. Or, not within ten years of graduation, anyway.
I always thought I was going to end up being better than everyone I graduated with. I had big dreams. But the truth of the matter is, I am the one that's jealous of their paltry accomplishments - the routine things like marriage and children. I am the only one holding myself up to any sort of standard. None of those people care what I have or have not accomplished in my life, and I have to stop kidding myself that they do. I think the reason I have such trouble with it is that, not only do all these people from my past not care what I have done (how I've grown as a person, how I've completely financially supported myself since I was 19, how I am excelling in a field totally unrelated to any of my studies), there is no one in my present to care about these things either. Everything that I do is only for me, yet I still hold myself to some ridiculous standard that has no relevance to anyone but myself.
So now I have a dilemma. Should I attend this reunion, and let all the people that ignored me in high school pretend they have any sort of memories of me, or should I just not go and forget any revenge fantasies that I had?
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
introspection
I guess I need to network more so I can get more blog/Twitter followers. So much for (foolishly, of course) hoping to get a book deal out of my amusing ramblings. Well, I never really thought that would happen, but it would be nice to get noticed for my writing.
I went to King's Island on Sunday on a work-sponsored trip. I had a pleasant time. Got to spend some time talking to @verticalQ and invited Leticia, who I hadn't seen since October. It's funny, you always see movies where people hang out with their old college buddies even when they're all married. It's like that's the group of friends that stick with you, because you're not necessarily just friends because circumstance brought you together. But in my personal experience, the truest friends I have are the ones I still have from high school. Granted, I don't spend very much time with them, but I live in a different city than one and a different state than another, so that makes it harder. When push comes to shove, though, these are the friends I still trust the most. It's cool to think back on younger days with friends you actually knew then, because you can all reflect on how you've changed. Even friends I've had since college have noticed a difference in my attitudes, behaviors, and maturity over that span of time.
When I was in high school, I used to look at the sex-obsessed, immature, nonambitious kids that I knew and think, "I am so lucky that I know who I am." I wouldn't say I felt I was better than these people (although now I certainly do), but I just felt sorry for them, like they were lacking something that I had probably not already achieved but had been born with: a strong sense of self. And I really did know who I was, but what I didn't know was that I was still going to change. Back then, I thought that knowing who I was meant that I was set, but now I realize that changing is part of life. It's almost always circumstance that changes you. You definitely can't do it of your own volition, not without years and years of hard work. Even then, you're most likely changing a behavior. You can't change your opinions or beliefs or expectations willingly; it just happens over time. Maybe I didn't know who I was in high school. Maybe I found myself later. But now, even though I know more about myself than I ever have, I still don't know what it is I want out of my life. I know I want to be deeply loved, and I want to be remembered, but the ways I will achieve these things is still unclear to me.
I know I'm not old, but I am approaching 25, and it has made me very introspective. It's funny though: ten years ago I thought I would be married with at least one child by now. But here I am, with no kids and marriage likely still pretty far off. I'm enjoying my twenties though, and I am so glad I have all of this time to just be me before having to worry about caring for anyone else. My cat is enough of a commitment for me for now.
I went to King's Island on Sunday on a work-sponsored trip. I had a pleasant time. Got to spend some time talking to @verticalQ and invited Leticia, who I hadn't seen since October. It's funny, you always see movies where people hang out with their old college buddies even when they're all married. It's like that's the group of friends that stick with you, because you're not necessarily just friends because circumstance brought you together. But in my personal experience, the truest friends I have are the ones I still have from high school. Granted, I don't spend very much time with them, but I live in a different city than one and a different state than another, so that makes it harder. When push comes to shove, though, these are the friends I still trust the most. It's cool to think back on younger days with friends you actually knew then, because you can all reflect on how you've changed. Even friends I've had since college have noticed a difference in my attitudes, behaviors, and maturity over that span of time.
When I was in high school, I used to look at the sex-obsessed, immature, nonambitious kids that I knew and think, "I am so lucky that I know who I am." I wouldn't say I felt I was better than these people (although now I certainly do), but I just felt sorry for them, like they were lacking something that I had probably not already achieved but had been born with: a strong sense of self. And I really did know who I was, but what I didn't know was that I was still going to change. Back then, I thought that knowing who I was meant that I was set, but now I realize that changing is part of life. It's almost always circumstance that changes you. You definitely can't do it of your own volition, not without years and years of hard work. Even then, you're most likely changing a behavior. You can't change your opinions or beliefs or expectations willingly; it just happens over time. Maybe I didn't know who I was in high school. Maybe I found myself later. But now, even though I know more about myself than I ever have, I still don't know what it is I want out of my life. I know I want to be deeply loved, and I want to be remembered, but the ways I will achieve these things is still unclear to me.
I know I'm not old, but I am approaching 25, and it has made me very introspective. It's funny though: ten years ago I thought I would be married with at least one child by now. But here I am, with no kids and marriage likely still pretty far off. I'm enjoying my twenties though, and I am so glad I have all of this time to just be me before having to worry about caring for anyone else. My cat is enough of a commitment for me for now.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friendship, friendship. Just the perfect blendship.
Dictionary.com defines "friend" as such:
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
But to what end does one remain a friend? I've been wondering that a lot lately. Certainly there are circumstances (like a job, specifically) that create friendships only to have them dissipate shortly thereafter thanks to departures. I know I've gained a lot of friends through the jobs I've had. Looking back, though, of all of the friends I've made through work situations, I can think of only one off the top of my head that has survived after both of us have moved on to other jobs. At least a dozen friendships that I considered to be close ones, gone. Is this normal? Or does this happen to me because I'm not worth keeping around? I wish someone could answer this question for me. One of you guys out there who I was once close friends with - you know who you are - tell me, please. What's so wrong with me that I'm not worth hanging out with/talking to/acknowledging?
I have self-esteem problems. That's no secret. I'm not really sure where they stemmed from (childhood shynesses?), but the lack of reliable friends in my life does not help me feel any better about myself. That's for damn sure. Plus, since I don't do very much with my friends (and the fact that I haven't been in an official relationship since before the Spice Girls hit the scene), I spend a lot of time by myself. Don't get me wrong: I love living alone and having time to myself. But too much time to myself only leads me to think about things that I don't need to think about. You know, the usual - death, poverty, starvation, job loss, the fate of my soul, childbirth...
I miss never knowing how my evenings were going to be spent. These days, most of them are spent either cleaning house, watching old TV shows, or staring at walls. I want to do something spontaneous! (Preferably something inexpensive, considering my current financial state.) Any ideas anyone?
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
But to what end does one remain a friend? I've been wondering that a lot lately. Certainly there are circumstances (like a job, specifically) that create friendships only to have them dissipate shortly thereafter thanks to departures. I know I've gained a lot of friends through the jobs I've had. Looking back, though, of all of the friends I've made through work situations, I can think of only one off the top of my head that has survived after both of us have moved on to other jobs. At least a dozen friendships that I considered to be close ones, gone. Is this normal? Or does this happen to me because I'm not worth keeping around? I wish someone could answer this question for me. One of you guys out there who I was once close friends with - you know who you are - tell me, please. What's so wrong with me that I'm not worth hanging out with/talking to/acknowledging?
I have self-esteem problems. That's no secret. I'm not really sure where they stemmed from (childhood shynesses?), but the lack of reliable friends in my life does not help me feel any better about myself. That's for damn sure. Plus, since I don't do very much with my friends (and the fact that I haven't been in an official relationship since before the Spice Girls hit the scene), I spend a lot of time by myself. Don't get me wrong: I love living alone and having time to myself. But too much time to myself only leads me to think about things that I don't need to think about. You know, the usual - death, poverty, starvation, job loss, the fate of my soul, childbirth...
I miss never knowing how my evenings were going to be spent. These days, most of them are spent either cleaning house, watching old TV shows, or staring at walls. I want to do something spontaneous! (Preferably something inexpensive, considering my current financial state.) Any ideas anyone?
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