So I'm a nut. What are you gonna do about it?

The past few days I've been feeling sort of depressed. It's kind of hard to explain. I've just been feeling like I am a waste of space. Wow, um, how do I put that less...depressingly? Through me doing this Ellen thing and the lack of response, or subsequent comments, I've gotten from people, I'm beginning to worry about whether or not I am ever going to accomplish anything. Writing a letter to a celebrity and getting on TV for it, in my world, constitutes as an accomplishment. But it's been a week and a half and I've only gotten twelve comments. I have been promoting the SHIT out of this letter, and no one has noticed. For several days, I was updating my Facebook status every couple of hours trying to get people to come view my letter. I mean, I have 189 Facebook friends. It's just ridiculous.

Maybe I'm giving up too easily. It just seems that any time I get excited about something, no one else cares, so I get down in the dumps pretty quickly. I don't know why I'm not used to this by now. I've always felt like people look at my interests as stupid. Especially Bette. Anyone that knows me knows how much Bette Midler has been part of my life. But I got ridiculed all through school for loving Bette, and even now I still get flack from some people who think that Bette is lame, etc. I've told some people in my life that if I had to make the choice between saving them and saving Bette, I would save Bette. I know it sounds crazy seeing how this a person I have never met, but the people in my life (with a few exceptions) come and go so easily. Bette has always been there for me, and she always will be. I never have to worry about her rejecting me because my relationship with her is not real. She would never do anything to hurt me. Mainly because she has no clue I exist, but that doesn't matter. Having fantastical relationships with celebrities reaches beyond the bounds of normal relationships. Although, in actuality, the relationship is one-sided, the beauty of the whole thing is that I can believe whatever I want to believe about how that person might would feel about me. I know this all might sound odd, but becoming obsessed with celebrities is how I dealt with the losses I experienced (specifically the loss of my uncle Ace) in my childhood. It was my way of dealing with mortality - fixating on people who are, in a sense, immortal. That's why I would choose Bette Midler over some of the real, physical beings that I know. Her legacy is so great that even when she passes, she will always be here. And it's much easier to deal with that kind of loss than a tangible one.