Existence is futile.

I have gone through most of my 25 years under the impression that I am intelligent, talented, and unique. Just recently, however, I have realized that these things are all lies.

I have been struggling for some time with my "purpose". What is it? How do I achieve it? And why in hell can't I figure out what it is? Many people would tell me to turn to God, that He will reveal my purpose to me. While my way of trying to find my purpose may not be any more productive than prayer, it is also not any less productive, and I refuse to leave major life decisions up to some higher entity. While in the long run, yes, these things may be up to a higher power and not myself, I can at least actively work toward decisions on my own, that way I feel like I have some semblance of control over my own existence. I have been unhappy in my life because I believe that I am here for some greater reason, and I can't figure out how it is that I am supposed to make my mark on society and create my legacy. I have received no signs, to the best of my knowledge, and if anything, there are only more and more hurdles being placed in the way of me finding my destiny.

I had been thinking about going back to school to get a second degree. I really want a job in the creative industry, but I realize it is very competitive, and I may not even be good enough at creative things to excel in that anyway. Several years ago, inspired by the music of Fleetwood Mac, I briefly considered going into sound mixing so that I could work with recording studios and artists to create new music, but for some reason I didn't ever pursue that. Now I've been thinking again about going into that field, but no one who has given me any advice on the subject seems to think it's a good idea. All I know is I don't want to sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I want to be remembered, and I'm not going to be remembered for processing loans or anything else about my heretofore meaningless existence. I have no doubt in my mind that I could easily get into another college. But would it be fruitful for me to do so? I'm already in a career that has absolutely nothing to do with my college major, and if not for the fact that I had to have a four-year degree to get this job, I would even say that going to college the first time was a waste of money. So going back? Well, one good thing would be the fact that I'd be able to defer my current student loans while enrolled full-time, but if I'm taking out more student loans that's sort of counterproductive. I'd also have to relocate, which part of me desperately wants, but another part of me doesn't. I'm already incredibly lonely, and if I move somewhere where I don't know anyone, those feelings will surely only compound.

On the other hand, moving away from all that I know and enrolling in school again would allow for a fresh start, and a fresh start could lead to a new perspective. I would certainly welcome that. But then again, it goes back to the question of whether or not this would be a smart move financially. I struggle as it is, but with an uncertain future in a niche job market and additional debt, the freedom of this new life may be overshadowed by further financial struggle.

See, if God really did care what happened to me, this would be the time where he would step in and point me in the right direction. Or am I supposed to set up a sign for myself? For example, if I get a year-end raise, then that is my sign that I am supposed to stay in Lexington, and if I don't it's time to move on. Is this what I am to do? Set up that guideline and let Him decide which way to take things? I guess that's all I can do for now. It's not like I can just up and move anyway. I just pray that I get my sign, whatever it may be, by March, that way I can actually start making solid plans.

Oh, and the reasons why I feel I'm not special, talented, or unique? Because if I were, I wouldn't be just another millworker. I don't have anything that makes me stand out in a crowd of thousands, nor do I have anything to make me special to the masses. I may be loved by a handful of people, but if they outlive me, when they die, so does my memory, and I don't see that as me being special at all.